Day 972 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked if Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa should continue to lie down with the kids during nap time. Sixty-six percent of you must have as high an intelligence quotient as myself because you agreed that Crazy & Lazy need to leave the bedroom. And the remainder of you adorable Forrest Gumps thought it was all for naught because nap time is officially over.

All I have to say to those of you who believe nap time is over is...IN YOUR FACE! Nap time is NOT over! Pop the bubbly, cue the confetti, and generously tip the prostitutes because the kids are taking their naps again. Although my parents felt uncomfortable leaving the kids unattended in the bedroom, Crazy and Lazy took my suggestion and decided to leave the kids alone. After a few days, the kids were back on their regular nap routine, and Crazy and Lazy had to admit that their son was a parenting genus...geneus...jenius.

...that their son wasn't dum.

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I have something to admit. Just like their parents, our kids have a drinking problem. Granted, they don't have Lisa's vodka problem or my 10W30 motor oil problem. But our kids definitely have a drinking problem: they don't know how to use a damn cup!

Our kids are over 2 1/2 years old. They can talk, count, draw, and complete four sides of a Rubik's cube. But give them a cup of water, and they act like a turkey with its head cut off. They dip their hands into the cup, they blow bubbles, they pour water in their plates, but the one place the cup should go is a restricted area.

We explain to the kids that they should not play with their cups, but we are ignored like an A/V Club president on a dance floor. What do we do? Do we let the kids be kids and hope that one day they will use cups properly? Do we take away their cups as soon as they misbehave? Or are we going to have to pack up sippy cups for the kids when they eventually go off to college?

Day 971 - Conversations With Emma

I was home alone (AHHHHHH!!!) with the kids, and Andrew took a gigantic dump. It was one of those dumps when you open up the diaper you think to yourself, "I'm never going to eat meatloaf again."

Andrew was being very difficult and did not want his diaper changed. He was twisting his body and kicking his legs -- not a good combination for a diaper change.

Soon he began screaming, "I want car book! I want car book!"

At this point, I had Andrew's diaper off and there was no way I was going to be able to get the car book that was on the floor. But if I did not get the car book, there was no way I was going to be able to change his diaper without some sort of crap catastrophe.

Suddenly, I remembered I had another child in the living room that could help me.

"Emma! Emma! Can you help Daddy?"

And just like the good daughter she is, she came running into the bedroom with a cheerful, "Hi Daddy!"

"Emma. Can you help Daddy?" I asked as I continued to wrestle with Andrew's ankles and ass.

"Okay," said Emma.

"I'm trying to change Andrew's diaper, but Andrew wants one of his car books. Can you get one for me?"

Emma turned around and saw the stack of car books on the floor. She walked towards the books and said, "I do not want to get you a car book."

And as she left the room, I eventually was able to change Andrew's diaper despite me looking like an abused Ding-Dong left out in the sun.

Day 970 - Freak Out

I'll have more to tell you about our ongoing struggles to put the kids back on a nap schedule, but today's blog is proof that the kids still need a nap. We had a busy afternoon because we were out looking at homes again. When we returned home, Emma actually took a nap today because she was so tired, but Andrew did not. Much like the college student who drinks his first double espresso during finals week, Andrew will be wired for several hours, but quickly crash and burn before the end of the day.

Before bedtime, the kids were playing with their toy cars. I made a long car ramp out of cardboard so Emma and Andrew found this very exciting. As you watch the video, I hope you will be able to tell the point at which Andrew's short fuse explodes. It's a little subtle, so watch really carefully...

Day 969 - Picture Friday

The kids try to save Crazy Grandma from the clutches of Gold Robot Cate Blanchette.

Emma realizes she just bit off her thumb.

As part of their bedtime ritual, Scott reads to Emma and Andrew his prenuptial agreement.

What started out as an innocent tea party turned into a disastrous game of strip poker for Andrew.

Have a great weekend!

Day 968 - Is That All You Got?

I feel as if we have a reached a point in parenthood in which very little phases us. Lisa and I were talking about our day over dinner, and she began to tell me a story about Andrew. Andrew was a little constipated, but he eventually emptied his dump truck and all was well with his intestinal tract.

As Lisa was cleaning up the living room, she noticed a small trail of little brown M&Ms. But these M&Ms were the ones that you would not want to melt in your mouth or your hands unless you have some sort of fetish with feces. That's right. Lisa did not notice that somehow, Andrew left a track of little constipated, concentrated ka-ka balls all over the living room.

My reaction to that was, "Oh. Were you able to clean everything up?"

"Yah. I just sprayed a little carpet cleaner on the floor and wiped it," said Lisa.

"That's good," I responded as I continued to eat my spaghetti and meatballs.

Now, if we didn't have kids and Lisa told me this same story, I think my reaction would've been more along the lines of, "What the f*&^? That's is the most disgusting story I've ever heard! How the f&*@ does s*(t fall out of a kid's diaper? That's f#&(ed up parenting! And why are you telling me this over dinner? That's especially f&*(ed up! I'm outta here!"

But after two and a half years of dealing with pee, poop, boogers, rashes, blood, pus, and other human liquids that you may find in any local hospital or dark alley, Lisa and I have truly gotten to the point where very little disgusts us. After being sprayed with poop or pee by your child, little poop balls on the floor is amateur hour.

At this point, my standard reaction to these stories is laughter. You laugh at it because there's really no other reaction that is suitable; if you can't laugh at it, you're going to drive yourself crazy. Although I still find it very difficult to find any humor in the kids calling me Poo-Poo Daddy. Seriously. What's so funny about being called something that comes out of an ass?

Excuse me while I wipe away a pathetic tear from my face...

Day 967 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 966 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

Let's go through the checklist to make sure we're all ready for Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime! Wash our hands? Check. Make our bed? Check. Tidy up the room? Check. Use q-tips to clean around the bathroom faucets? Check. Rearrange the furniture in our house so it's unrecognizable when we come home from work? Check. Say you're on a diet yet you eat up all of our baked goods in two days flat? Check. Now we're ready for...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

When we last visited Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime, I recounted a story in which Crazy Grandma thought she was watching Avatar although she was actually watching The Hurt Locker. It is a common enough mistake with Crazy Grandma. She has confused Slumdog Millionaire for Ghandi, Forrest Gump for Turner and Hooch, and Beauty and the Beast for According to Jim.

This past weekend, Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa mustered enough energy to babysit the kids one night while Lisa and I went out for dinner. I told my parents that I could download a movie on our Tivo so I gave them a couple of choices.

"Do you care what movie you watch?" I asked Crazy and Lazy. "How about Valentine's Day or It's Complicated?"

Suddenly, Crazy Grandma turned towards me and scolded me. "What you mean it's complicated? You no tink I understand movies? I read blog where you say I taught I was watching Avatar. But I can perfectly understand movie. Don't you go around tinking dat movies are too complicated for me to see!"

I then explained to Crazy Grandma that It's Complicated is actually the name of a movie.

"Oooooh," she said. "Dah one with Meryl Streep? I rike her. I watch that one."

And after she watched It's Complicated, Crazy Grandma told me that she didn't think Sophie's Choice was going to be that funny.