Day 584 - Puzzle Me This

Crazy Grandma Ichikawa bought the kids this Mickey Mouse Clubhouse puzzle. It's soft, plush, and plastic...like most Hollywood actress's lips. When you put all of the pieces together, you create a picture of Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Goofy.

Since Andrew sleeps with a Mickey Mouse doll, Emma sleeps with a Minnie Mouse doll (and I sleep with a whore), the kids recognize the pictures on the puzzle. You can ask them to point to a specific character, and they can do it. Not only does this mean that they can correlate names to pictures, but it also means that when we visit Disneyland for the first time, we'll be spending several hundred dollars on useless merchandise like Mickey Mouse foam hands or a cryogenic chamber containing Walt Disney.

Neither of the kids are capable of putting the puzzle together on their own, so we help them. We lay the appropriate pieces on top of each other so the kids just have to push the pieces together. When they put the pieces together, we encourage them by applauding. When they can't put the pieces together, we ridicule them and throw stones at them.

I've seen Crazy Grandma Ichikawa help the kids put the puzzle together, and I've caught her occasionally trying to put the wrong pieces together. Crazy Grandma will look confused, scratch her head, and then say, "Ahhh! Stupid puzzle!" as if it was the puzzle's fault for causing her moment of disgrace. But the best part of watching Crazy Grandma mess up is seeing the kids ridicule her and throw stones at her. They're so cute at this age...

Day 583 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 582 - If You Push Him, He Will Fall

Every morning when the kids wake up, the first thing they ask for is their sippy cup full of warm milk. Well, they don't exactly ask for it unless you count screaming, yelling, shaking the safety gate, and kicking the floor as asking for something. The last time I saw someone overacting like that was when I watched my high school performance as Marcellus Washburn in "The Music Man" on VHS.

For some reason, the kids like to drink their milk standing up which is really no less odd as my habit of pooping standing up. The other day, Emma finished drinking her milk and handed her sippy cup to me. She walked past Andrew who was still standing up drinking his milk. Suddenly, Emma stopped, turned around, and stared at Andrew's back. She took a few steps towards him, raised her arms, and...pushed him over!

Oh no you di-ent, biatch!

Andrew didn't cry at all and just ended up finishing up his bottle on the floor (much like Lisa finishing up her beer on the bathroom floor). But Lisa and I were shocked and in hysterics over what Emma did. Between our laughter, we told Emma not to push over her brother. Laughing isn't the best way to get a message across, but it is no worse than my parents quietly laughing at me when I was trying to convince them I wasn't gay. A fondness for musicals, nylon, and rest stops does not make one gay!

I'm not 100% sure why Emma pushed Andrew over, but Andrew is not innocent either. Throughout the day, we see the kids pushing, pulling, and tugging at each other. I don't think they are doing this to be mean, but I think they do this behavior to get a reaction. From what I've read, the kids are very into cause and effect right now. What will happen if I push over a stack of blocks? They will fall. What will happen if I push my sister over? She will cry. What will happen if I grab a mug of coffee that Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) left ever so close to the edge of the bookshelf? Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan will get pissed off.

Ultimately, it is up to Lisa and I to teach the kids what is right and wrong with their experimentation with cause and effect. For example, right now the kids are learning that if you fart in Mommy's face, Mommy will hit you. Mommy will hit you even if you are trying to type a blog entry. Sheew wilkl; nogtgt sgtolp; lwkeawsk jdk s;li ejhnol;wa....ouch.

Day 581 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked whether or not I should ban hot drinks in the house because of the Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) coffee incident and Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan's response. An overwhelming eighty-five percent of you told us not to ban hot liquids and just use common sense. Far behind, fifteen percent thought that we should also ban cold drinks in case of frost bite or, God forbid, the kids turn into Otter Pops.

Honestly, we never thought of banning hot drinks in the house. Of course we and our friends/family need to be careful when the kids are around and make sure Emma and Andrew can't grab mugs and cups off the counter. Besides that, as parents of twins, we desperately thrive on the caffeinated goodness of coffee, tea, and crack (hot crack has caffeine, right?). So after careful thought and consideration, Lisa and I came to the conclusion that hot drinks wasn't the problem. Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) was the problem. So sorry, Anne. You're banned. And happy birthday, too!

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Speaking of Auntie Anne (pretzel maven), her website that she runs with her friend is still going pretty strong. It has been getting quite a bit of buzz in the publishing community, and hopefully will do well so Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa can stop worrying about her. The other day, Auntie Anne sent me an e-mail that had an article on how people with blogs can make a decent living. She has been kinda pushing me to do something with this silly blog, but obviously I have been too busy raising twins, working 12 hour days, and learning how to knit (It's damn hard!).

Since I really haven't thought of expanding or promoting this blog, I don't know where I would even start. But the bigger question is whether or not this is a type of blog that would even merit the time and effort to expand and promote. So let's be honest here people! Do you think I should try to do something more with this blog? Or is it something that's just interesting enough for family, friends, and people who accidentally got here by doing a Google search for 'edamames'?

P.S. If anyone out there has any suggestions or ideas, please feel free to leave a comment! Also if you're single, love movies, and have recently had plastic surgery for breast enhancement, please feel free to leave your number!

Day 580 - Furniture Fiasco

Our sofa is sofa-cked up. Before the kids were born, our sofa was a little worn, but perfectly fine. Now a year and half has passed and it's just a complete mess. Every pillow corner has a hole. Every pillow has a stain. I couldn't even tell you what kind of stains we have on there. I bet you if John Stossel did a 20/20 health investigation on our sofa, he would probably find new life forms and nickname our sofa "The Galapagos."

I am not only amazed at how awful our sofa looks, but practically every piece of furniture in our place has been damaged. Our dining room chairs have been chipped. Our bookshelves have been scratched. Our computer desk has been bitten and peed on. Ordinarily, if someone peed on our furniture I would throw it away. For instance, we've gone through seven bed mattresses all because of Lisa.

On top of all of this damage, we have moved furniture into our bedroom so the kids won't hurt themselves. There are four dining room chairs, two TV trays, and a coffee table next to our bed. Each time I walk through our bedroom door, I think I'm walking into a shabbily run Extended Stay hotel.

I actually asked our pediatrician if we are overreacting to our kids' curiosity with furniture, but she told us it's all normal and very few parents of toddlers have coffee tables in their living room. That relieved me, so I felt comfortable enough to tell her how we have moved all of our furniture into our bedroom. All she had to say to that was what Lisa has called me many-a-times: Don't be a dumbass.

Many of our friends who have kids don't seem to have the same problem that we do with our twins. They don't seem to have to run around pulling their kids off of bookshelves or telling them not to chew on the apothecary table. But I think the difference is the fact that we have twins. Even at this young age, I see the kids copying and egging each other on to do something. For instance, if Emma steps on her toy car and Andrew steps on his toy bucket, then one of them will realize they can go even higher if they put the bucket on the car (The smart move would be to use the actual step stool in the kitchen. Dummies...).

I keep on thinking there will be a day when we will be able to purchase new furniture, but I've been told not to be so naive. You don't buy new furniture when your kids are babies because they can't control their bodily fluids. Then you don't buy new furniture when your kids are teenagers because they rough house and break things. Ultimately when the kids are out of the house and on their own, you don't buy new furniture because you're too old and can't control your bodily fluids. So I'm just gonna buy a bean bag, a couple of slankets, and call it a day.

Day 579 - Independence Daze

Already Emma seems to be becoming her own woman. And by woman, I mean noisy, manipulative, and independent.

Although Emma is much more affectionate than Andrew, she is also more stubborn and independent. Now that she has more control over her body, she wants to complete certain tasks by herself. Little does she know there will be a day when she will have complete control over her body, yet will not want to do any tasks by herself (i.e. teenage years and marriage).

When it is time to eat, Emma now refuses to be carried into her high chair. We must wait patiently for her to take her sweet ass time to climb into her chair. After slowly climbing into the chair, if she can't twist her body around to sit down, Emma will climb back down the chair to start over. If you try to pick her up to turn her around, Emma will begin shouting, "NO NO NO NO NO!" as if she was reenacting the moment when Lisa first saw me with my shirt off (I'm quite amazingly pasty for an Japanese boy!).

There are times when she is playing with a toy, and she wants to figure it out by herself. For example, we have these plastic toys that you can pop together to create a long chain. Emma was fascinated by this toy, but had a very difficult time putting the pieces together. If you tried to take the toy away from her to show her how to fit the pieces together, she would begin shouting, "NO NO NO NO NO!" as if she was reenacting the moment when Lisa realized I was about to propose to her. By accident, Emma realized if she put the end of the toy in her mouth, her saliva made it easier to fit the pieces together. Hopefully she will not think that all of life's problems can be solved by putting things in your mouth.

I realize all of this is natural for a kid to go through. Every parent will go through that point in life when their baby who couldn't do anything becomes the child who can do everything...and that child becomes the teenager who knows everything...and that teenager becomes the adult who wishes he could be a baby again. Which makes quite a bit of sense since we all start and end with diapers. Speaking of which it's time to change Lisa again. I swear, no more Del Taco!

Day 578 - Picture Friday

Emma and Andrew practice their airline emergency evacuation drill.

Sad, deluded Daddy thinks this will get them on America's Got Talent.

On a sunny afternoon, Emma relaxes and reminisces the high points of her life. It takes all of three seconds.

"Team Grandpa never wins because we're too lazy!"

"Hey whore. This is my corner," says Emma.

Have a great weekend!