Edamames In a Pod

Day 1543 - Quote of the Day

2012-01-14T23:12:00.000-08:00

Day 1542 - Picture Friday

2012-01-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

Just smelling the chocolate frosting gives Andrew sugar convulsions.

"Stop looking for white hairs!!!"

"Please can we put Andrew in there?"

Andrew loves Sphincterland.

Let's see what happens when we replace Emma's regular toothpaste with kitchen sink caulk!

Have a great weekend!

Day 1541 - Conversations with Andrew

2012-01-12T22:21:00.000-08:00

When I start a new job, I usually bring my laptop and iPad to work for the first week or two. I do this because it makes for an easier transition to the office computer, and it also takes about seven to nine days to delete all of the pornography off my laptop hard drive so it is safe to use at home.

Lisa is now picking up the kids from school every day. When they returned home, Andrew had this conversation with Lisa.

"I want to play a game on the iPad," said Andrew.

"Sorry, Andrew. Daddy took the iPad to work," answered Lisa.

"How 'bout the computer?" questioned Andrew.

"Daddy took that," Lisa replied.

"How 'bout the phone?" asked Andrew.

"Daddy has that, too," Lisa answered again.

And then Andrew threw up his arms in despair and yelled, "WHHHHHY?!?!?!?!"

Oh! Like geeky father, like geeky son.

Day 1539 - HELL NO!

2012-01-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

Andrew is 99.999% potty trained with his peeing. We only have to put diapers on him at night because he's a pretty sound sleeper and a pretty big pisser. But I'd say Andrew is about 90-95% potty trained with his crapping. It's once in a brown moon when he actually craps his pants, but the current problem with Andrew is that he waits until the very last moment to poop so his underwear often looks like See's Candy smocks after a long hard day at work.

This isn't a problem at home, but it becomes a little more problematic when we're out and about. We were at the mall having lunch at the food court when Andrew gave us the look. At this point, he doesn't even have to tell us he has to poop because he has a trademarked poop face. It's basically a furrowed brow, worried eyes, and clenched teeth. And the fact he's grabbing his ass seals the deal.

So I rush Andrew to the bathroom. There was only one stall open. So we enter and I notice that the toilet was...umm...how can I say this without being too explicit? Well, you know how guys are stereotypically characterized as slobs because we drop our crap everywhere and never clean up? That's literally how the toilet looked like.

I had to make a choice: do I allow Andrew to crap his pants, or do I hold Andrew over the toilet so he can crap in the toilet? And you thought Sophie had a tough choice! After seeing Andrew's worried face, i decided that I would hold Andrew over the toilet. So I layer the toilet seat with sanitary covers, pulled down Andrew's pants, and was about to hold Andrew over the toilet. But then another problem happened: Andrew saw the toilet.

"nnnnnnnnNO!" screamed Andrew.

"Andrew, this is the only toilet. I'll hold you over it, okay?" I explained.

"No no NO! It's DIRTY!!!!" yelled Andrew.

"I know it's dirty, but you won't touch the toilet at all," I said.

Andrew was getting very angry with me. "Look! There's POOP all OVER!"

Pretty soon, there might be poop all over my shoes. So I made one last attempt to put Andrew over the toilet, but I once again was met by defiance.

"THERE IS POOP THERE AND THERE AND THERE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screeched Andrew.

That was it. I pulled up his pants. We washed our hands. And I handed Andrew off to Lisa so she could take him to the women's restroom.

As I sat in the food court and thought about what happened, two things dawned on me. First, I realized Andrew was right all along. There was no way I would have used that toilet, so why was I trying to force Andrew to use it? I think there are times when there are remnants of the early years of parenting when your kids would do whatever you asked them to do because they didn't know any better and had no opinions of things. Sometimes I just have to remember that Andrew is no longer a baby anymore.

And the second thing I realized was the bowl of yellow curry I was eating for lunch no longer looked appetizing to me.

Day 1537 - Conversations with Emma & Andrew

2012-01-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

Our downstairs office has recently turned into a toddler version of Michael's. Neighborhood kids can even come once a week and get 40% off one regularly priced item. There is construction paper, pens, finger paint, clay, playdoh, asbestos, and rat poison; I really got to clear out those last two items.

The kids are very interested in mastering the use of scissors. I think this is because they mastered the use of machetes last week, and the week before they mastered the meat slicer. Emma and Andrew will come up to me with a piece of construction and ask me to draw different shapes that they can cut out.

Emma came up to me and said, "Daddy, can you draw me shapes?"

"Sure," I answered. "Here's a circle. A square. A triangle. And what else should I draw?"

"I know," chimed Emma. "A cylinder!"

I wanted to call Emma a show-off, but I acquiesced and drew her a nice cylinder.

"Thank you, Daddy!" said Emma and she skipped back to the activity table.

Andrew saw what I did for Emma, so he came up to me and said, "Daddy, can you draw me shapes too?"

"Hmm...what kind of shapes do you want?" I asked.

"Same as Emma," answered Andrew.

So I drew a circle, a square, a triangle, and a cylinder, and handed it to Andrew.

Andrew looked puzzled, pointed to the cylinder, and said with surprised confusion, "Wha dat?!?"

Too create less confusion, I answered, "A popsicle." And Andrew, too, skipped happily back to the table.

Day 1536 - One Way Street

2012-01-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a conversation like this with your four year old girl?

DADDY

Emma, what are you drinking?

EMMA

looks at the juice box

Plum juice.

DADDY

points at the juice box

Emma. You're drinking grape juice.

EMMA

looks at juice box again

No. It's plum juice.

DADDY

But look at the picture of the grape on your juice box.

EMMA

incredulously

Daddy! That's not a grape. That's a plum!

DADDY

But it doesn't say the word plum anywhere on the box!

EMMA

If it tastes like plums, then it's PLUM juice, Daddy!

Well, I have been having way too many of these one way, dead-end conversations with Emma. I'll try to correct her about something, but her four year old logic beats my college educated mind every time. The thing about four year old reasoning is that things are the way they are because that's the way you want them to be. Screw logic and reasoning! Nietzsche, Kant, Plato, and Aristotle...what the hell do they know. But Phineas, Ferb, Lance Rock, and Elmo...they are the gospel!

When these moments occur with Emma, I find myself strangely competitive and determined to prove her wrong. Part of it is that I want Emma to understand that it's okay to be wrong and to be corrected. The other part of it is that she's F*&^ING WRONG!!!! IT'S GRAPE JUICE, DAMMIT! PLUMS DON'T EVEN GROW ON VINES!

I don't know why Emma is so stubborn about being corrected. Maybe like many things it is just a phase, or maybe she likes to see my flustered face because it makes her laugh. But I think it is just another clue to her maturing and developing personality. She'll probably be a pretty astute girl who does not enjoy being proven wrong. In other words, Emma is just like Mommy.

It will be even more frightening for me when Emma gets older and will actually make sense with her arguments. But I have been thinking long and hard about that recently and have come up with two fool-proof, all-purpose answers: 1) Because I said so! and 2) Ask your Mom!

I really do think I have the teenage years under control now.

Day 1535 - Picture Friday

2012-01-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

"Wait...this isn't the Hogswart?"

Emma learns what happens when you don't pick up your toys.

Poor Andrew fainted after finishing the entire William Tell Overture.

"A donkey named Eeyore is his friend, and Kanga and little Roo..."

Have a great weekend!

Day 1534 - Picture Problems

2012-01-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

Digital cameras are great and awful. They're great because you can take as many pictures as you want, and they're awful because you can take as many pictures as you want. Sometimes I yearn for the days when you had to wait a week to pick up your photos from the lab to find out that only 7 of your 24 pictures were actually good. The remaining seventeen were usually out of focus, poorly lit, or painful reminders of how hideous teenage skin can be.

With the advent and popularity of digital cameras, the results are immediate and polished. You can do a burst of ten photos and pick the best one. Or you can use a photo editing program to erase embarrassing blemishes like a zit or Crazy Gaga's entire face.

Over the holiday break, I probably ended up taking over six hundred photos and deleted about a hundred of them. But I probably delete photos a little differently from most because I like to keep the bad expressions and horrid group shots. To me, they are just as -- if not more -- interesting than your standard smile or candid shot. Who really wants to see another group shot of perfectly smiling family members when you can get a picture with an out of focus cousin in the background smoking a bong?

As I went through the pictures of Emma and Andrew I realized how different they are at taking pictures. Emma really knows how to smile and pose for the camera. And Andrew has a great natural smile, but his forced smile borders on the side of a diarrhea seizure.

But they each have their own Achilles' Heel when it comes to photos: Emma always has her hair in her face, and Andrew will have a contorted expression. I put together a couple of photos taken over the holiday break and put them into a collage to prove my point:

Day 1532 - Conversations with Emma & Andrew

2012-01-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

This sunny Southern California afternoon, the kids were surprisingly playing well together. Then again, what four year old wouldn't enjoy playing with a rusty potato peeler? Who needs an iPad when you have a drawer full of old OXO kitchen gadgets?

Yet the playfulness stopped when Andrew realized there was a stank in the air.

"Emma! Do you smell that?" exclaimed Andrew.

"No," Emma responded meekly.

"Something stinks! It smell like poo-poo!" Andrew tries to use the word "poo-poo" as often as possible.

"I don't smell anything," Emma reiterated.

Andrew stood up and looked around like a drunk lemur. For some reason, Andrew grabbed Emma's finger and took in a big whiff.

"Emma! Your finger smells!" proclaimed Andrew with disgust.

Emma pulled away from Andrew. How dare he state that her finger smells? But just to make sure, Emma took a generous sniff of her finger, crinkled her nose, and nodded in agreement.

Emma looked at Andrew and said, "Mmm. Just the way I like it."

Day 1531 - What the Hell D'Ya Think?

2012-01-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

I used to do a poll every week on this blog, but as you can tell I have not done one for a very long time. So in lieu of a weekly poll, I thought I would attempt to do an occasional poll when something strikes my interest. Thus...What the Hell D'Ya Think?

Over the holiday break, I went out to dinner with my family. I mentioned how it will be difficult when we return home because the kids have been off of their schedule for such a long time. They haven't napped. They watch too much television. They haven't crapped for eight days (Better get that plunger ready!).

Then Crazy Gaga commented how I used to watch a lot of television and I turned out just fine (Really? Have you read this blog at all? Have you seen my lab results?). She then rattled off a bunch of television shows that I used to watch.

"Scotty used to watch Mickey Mouse, Bullwinkle, Bugs Bunny, and Yippy Dippy Doo," said Crazy Gaga.

Yippy Dippy Doo? What the hell d'ya think that is?!?

Day 1530 - Happy New Year

2012-01-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! It seems like only yesterday when the kids were but a figment of my loins. Yet here comes 2012 to usher in another year of fun, frustration, and chronic ulcers.

I decided I would explain the idea of New Year resolutions to Emma and Andrew. It always seems like a good idea at first to explain new concepts to them, but then I always end up stammering and stuttering trying to search for words that they would understand. It's like me explaining to a girl why I wouldn't be disgusting in bed.

After a lengthy explanation of resolutions with as many one syllable words and Jake and the Neverland Pirates references, I hoped they understood my explanation. But all I was met with was confusion and blank stares. Much like the girl after I got her into bed.

I proceeded to use myself as an example and listed some of my resolutions: refinance our mortgage, decide between a will and a trust, and diversify our investments. Once again, more blank stares. So I tried to keep it on their level of sophistication and said, "Fart less." Eureka! They got it!

So here for the first time are Emma's and Andrew's New Year's resolutions!

EMMA'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Do more art.
2. Color.
3. Write a book.
4. Play with my dolls more.

ANDREW'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Play with my cars.
2. Buy more cars.
3. Go poo-poo on Mommy's head.

Although a simple list, at least Andrew can say that he accomplished number three with a fresh number two.

Day 1529 - Holiday Wishes

2011-12-31T22:46:00.000-08:00

Day 1528 - Picture Friday: Holiday Edition

2011-12-30T21:55:00.000-08:00

"HOLY CRAP! I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!"

The fair maiden is awaiting her cheap-ass father to rescue her from her cheap-ass cardboard fold-out castle that he gave her.

"DID I MENTION...HOLY CRAP!"

"Dude...For a great-grandma, you got some chokehold..."

"Me in a box!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1527 - Andrew's Presents

2011-12-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

As usual, Andrew received a large amount of Christmas gifts from Santa, family, friends, and prison inmates (Andrew participates in the organization Big Felons Big Misdemeanors). The pile of gifts tends to overwhelm the kids, and many of the toys are ignored and neglected like yesterday's Jan Michael Vincent.

When we return home, Lisa and I will organize all of their toys and rotate them in and out of their toy baskets so they won't grow tired of their gifts too quickly. But it really is interesting to see what engages their imagination and attention after the tornado of wrapping paper settles.

Here is a video that summarizes Andrew's holiday loot in 55 seconds:

Day 1525 - Dear Emma

2011-12-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

NOTE: All questions and answers are 100% true and accurate.

Dear Emma,

It certainly seems like you received a lot of toys and presents from Santa and your family and friends this year for Christmas. Between you and your brother, I don't know how we're going to be able to bring all of your gifts back home in the car. What do you think we should do?

Sincerely,

Daddy

*****

Dear Daddy,

I have a good idea! We can just leave all of the boring gifts behind!

Sincerely,

Emma

Day 1523 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #8

2011-12-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

There were a few pictures of Emma & Andrew hanging out with Angelina Jolie. It all started when we were in the Century City garage, and Emma and Andrew were stampeded by a crowd of Asian kids -- all of whom belonged to Angelina. Sadly, Lisa and I were separated from our kids for several weeks because Angelina insisted they belonged to her. Obviously, we were reunited with Emma and Andrew, but to this day, the kids still ask us why we are ugly, and they insist their names are Maddox and Pax.

Day 1522 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #7

2011-12-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

My casting director friend mentioned to me that they were casting a high profile reality show for the new cable channel PWDW (People Who Don't Work). I figured why not let the kids earn some money for their college education, but little did I know the production was a new Kate Gosselin show called Kate Plus 2 Kids She Didn't Give Birth To. Needless to say, it was short-lived and was a gigantic disaster for all involved. The best thing that came out of it was that I got a couple of hand-me-down Ed Hardy shirts.

Day 1521 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #6

2011-12-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

I sued the author of the New York best-selling book Go the F*** to Sleep for stealing my idea for a book titled Go the F*** to Sleep, Andrew & Emma. After I spent a fortune in legal fees, the judge ruled in favor of the defendant, and he was able to continue selling his book. The judge told me I do not possess the intellectual property of the book just because I tell the kids to go the f*** to sleep every night. What the f*** does he know...

Day 1520 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #5

2011-12-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

I was embarrassingly caught between a rock and a very large woman. Literally. I was trapped by Arnie's mistress at Benedict Canyon while hiking because Mildred came rolling down a hill after tripping over her can of Jarrito's Pineapple soda. We were trapped for 127 hours because her left aureola was pinned against my right arm. The tabloids made a big deal out of it because Mildred and I became close. Literally. The gravitational force around her chest made it very difficult for me to walk away on my own.

Day 1519 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #4

2011-12-21T23:41:00.001-08:00

There was plenty of controversy surrounding Justin Bieber's Baby Momma, but very few of the news media reported the story regarding Justin and Emma due to Emma's young age. The Biebs and Emma first met while watching a matinee of Judy Moody and the Not So Bummer Summer. It was a quick romance and ended because Emma refused to go to first base; she did not understand the rules of T-ball.

Day 1518 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #3

2011-12-20T23:38:00.000-08:00

One weekend, the family was at Downtown LA buying our weekly ration of chiccarones and pinatas. ANd before you could shout "Villaraigosa", the kids disappeared. Wouldn't you know, they walked over to the Staples Center, stowed away in Lady Gaga's egg, and made a brief appearance at the Grammy Awards. We're still trying to wash the placenta out of their clothes.

Day 1517 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #2

2011-12-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

We were visiting Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) in New York when the kids got away from us while on the ferry to Ellis Island. When they made it ashore, they some how convinced a busload of Wall Street protestors to take them to Sesame Street. Thus began the confusing demonstration know as Occupy Sesame Street. Thankfully, not too many other protestors appeared because everyone who wanted to get involved had the same question: Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

Day 1516 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #1

2011-12-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

Charlie Sheen tried to salvage his reputation with Emma and Andrew. After weeks away from us, the kids finally returned home exhausted with a strong appetite for tiger's blood and prostitutes.

Day 1515 - Holiday Newsletter

2011-12-17T23:16:00.000-08:00

Since we are getting closer to the holidays, and the family will be traveling up to Northern California to visit family, I thought I would make the next week of blog entries a little easier for me. Every year, we send out holiday newsletters that are full of lies and sarcasm. This year, the concept behind the newsletter is that the kids were heavily featured in a wide variety of tabloid magazines and websites. I created eight photos of the kids involved in their scandals and figured I would feature one photo a day until Christmas.

So from December 18th-25th, the blog will feature one scandal a day. By Christmas, we should be leaving the Bay area (i.e. no internet access) and traveling to Sacramento (i.e. internet access). Hope everyone has a great holiday and see ya in a week!

Happy holidays everyone!

Day 1514 - Picture Friday: Disneyland Edition

2011-12-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

There's nothing that builds a boy's confidence more than riding on a pastel seahorse.

"I promise, Daddy. I won't pick my nose anymore!"

"Whee! This is like riding in the car when Mommy drives!"

"It's a scratch! Not a pick! A scratch, I say!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1513 - Sucker!

2011-12-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

Emma and Andrew made tree ornaments at preschool. They painted the inside of plastic ornaments, and then adorned the outside of it with a little picture of themselves. It's one of those things you treasure as a parent, but in ten years the kids will say, "Why the f*&# do you still have this crap?"

Emma opened up her ornament and gave it a big smell. She went to Andrew and said, "Andrew! Smell this. It smells sooooo good!"

So Andrew smelled the ornament and commented, "Ewww. This smelly!"

And Emma pointed her finger at Andrew and laughed and laughed and laughed. Andrew was punked!

I think this is the first time either of the kids played a practical joke without being told what to do by one of us. And by one of us, I mean me.

Is it wrong to be proud of Emma for pulling one over on Andrew? Or should I be scared that this is the first of many practical jokes that are going to occur in the Ichikawa house? I think the latter. As a precaution, I have locked away all peanut brittle/snake cans, fake puke, and fake poop. Except for that one little piece of poop that was actually Andrew's, but that's for another blog entry...

Day 1511 - Quote of the Day

2011-12-13T22:50:00.000-08:00

Day 1509 - Conversations with Emma

2011-12-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

Each day when Lisa comes home from work, the first thing she does after giving the kids a hug and kiss and me the finger is change her clothes. On this certain day, I hoped she would change her clothes quickly because I had something very urgent to do: take a crap.

I was supervising the kids doing an art project, so I couldn't leave them alone. As I was waiting for Lisa to come downstairs, Emma asked me if something was wrong.

I answered, "Oh. Nothing's wrong. I'm just waiting for Mommy to come back downstairs because I have to go to the bathroom."

"Do you have to go pee-pee?" Emma asked.

"No," I answered.

"You have to do a stinky poo-poo?" she surmised.

"Yes. That's right. I have to do a stinky poo-poo," I answered.

"Andrew! Daddy has to do a stinky poo-poo!" Emma screamed with an unusual amount of joy.

"Eww!" sneered Andrew. "Daddy's a poo-poo head!"

Emma and Andrew laughed hysterically. I just clenched my teeth and knees.

Finally, Lisa made it downstairs. I darted upstairs and told the kids, "Okay! Daddy will be right back. I got to go to the bathroom."

And then the thing Emma said to me, I was unable to tell if it was said honestly or sarcastically. But with a flip of her head she said, "Well, I hope you have a good one!"

I guess that was good etiquette? I looked it up in Emily Post, but there was nothing about poop politeness.

Day 1508 - The Scariest Place on Earth

2011-12-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

We have finally cemented ourselves as a stereotypical Japanese family in Los Angeles: we purchased annual passes for Disneyland. Since the kids were three, we've taken them to Disneyland twice a year: during the spring and the winter for the holiday decorations. And if we went one more time, then that would be more than the cost of the annual pass for the four of us. Of course, the passes were so expensive we had to sell one of the kids, but at least the remaining child will have a fun 2012.

It is a little eye-opening to take the kids to Disneyland every six months or so because each time it's a little different. When they were three, they were just luggage in a stroller. But now they have their own very strong opinions on what they like, what they don't like, and what they want to try. In other words, never take a four year old on the Haunted Mansion.

Overall, the kids had a great day at Disneyland. But I'd have to say Andrew had a better day than Emma because there were three things that happened to her that she did not like at all. The first thing was the new Little Mermaid ride. I was most concerned about the scene with Ursula since the kids have a fear of large things and Pat Carroll, but Emma freaked out within the first minute of the ride!

Right at the beginning, there's a portion where your seashell tilts backwards and you "enter" the ocean. A gust of wind and digital projections of water and bubbles surround you. Emma did not like this. She screamed. She cried. She kicked my balls. And by the time she calmed down, guess what the next scene was? Yup, Pat Carroll singing.

When we exited the ride, I asked the kids if they enjoyed it. Andrew said his usual "Yup", but Emma pulled me down to her level and said, "I did NOT like the Little Mermaid ride. I do NOT want to ride it again." I guess we won't be a part of that world for another year or so.

The second thing that happened was when we decided to watch Fantasmic. We explained to the kids what was going to happen and how it would be loud and how the dragon at the end of the show was a pretend dragon because the real dragon was on the press tour for How to Train Your Dragon.

The lights dimmed and the show began. It starts off simple enough with spotlights, loud music, and Mickey Mouse. But once the water screens appeared and scenes of surreal animation were projected, Emma jumped out of the stroller and hid.

Emma started to mumble something at me, but I wasn't able to hear her. I asked her to talk louder. She mumbled something again. One last time, I told her to talk even louder.

"WHY DO YOU MAKE ME WATCH THESE THINGS, DADDY?!?!?!?!?" Emma screamed. And that was the end of Fantasmic.

The last thing that happened to Emma was right before the fireworks were going to start. As we were leaving Fantasmic, the fireworks were to begin in about 15 minutes. So we decided to park the stroller at the end of Main Street to watch the pyrotechnics. The kids were getting a little tired and grumpy, but were looking forward to the "snow" at the end of the fireworks.

Emma was sitting in the stroller when she asked me if I could carry her a little. Since I've been working out, I was anxious to try out my new "guns". So I put my hands out in front of her to pick her up, but then she tossed her head into my hands. I felt something moist. Oh boy...I hope it was her nose or her mouth. Nope. It was her eye.

Soon the fireworks started early. And by that I mean the fireworks coming out of Emma's lungs. I looked at Emma's eye and there was a spot of red. I figured I would get a small bag of ice for her. So I ran down Main Street screaming "Annual passholder needs ice! Please move! Annual passholder coming through!"

When I returned with some ice, Emma was calm. She ended up eating the ice more than putting it on her eye. She told me her eye didn't hurt, and she could see fine. I even grabbed my phone and Googled "red eye caused by guilt-ridden father's finger"". And it looked like Emma would just have a bloody eye for about a week.

The firework show was nice, the kids enjoyed watching the pretend snow, and we left the park a happy family. And best of all, the souvenir we received was free: Emma's bloody eye.

Day 1507 - Picture Friday

2011-12-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

"What am I suppose to do with this? Sell used cars? Some present for a four year old..."

Emma holds hands and does a lovely pose with Mr. Frosty.

"Like hell I'm going to hold hands with this freak. Don't you see that yellow snow there? Uh-uhhhh!"

As Lisa tries to gain Emma's interest with books, all Emma can think about is the girl to the left of her with an iPad.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1506 - Eat-tiquette

2011-12-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

We try to instill in the kids proper eating etiquette: chew with your mouth closed, eat with utensils, keep your ass off the table. Simple things like that. But somehow, kids will be kids, and before you know it their ass is back on the table.

After dinner, Andrew came up with this little schtick on how people eat around our dinner table. It was pretty interesting so I decided to record it on my camcorder. Although I asked Andrew to recreate what he did, I swear to you that this kid made it up all by himself. I think after viewing the video, you might be able to confirm for yourself who Andrew takes after...

Day 1504 - Snark Attack!

2011-12-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

I hope I can honestly say that our kids are pretty good children. We have problems just like any other parent whether it be something small like reminding them to say thank you or something large like identity theft (Boy! These kids sure learn how to hack at an early age!). But the one thing we are noticing with Emma is that she has learned how to be a little snarky.

It probably doesn't help that her parents are lovingly sarcastic to each other. Probably not a day goes by where she doesn't hear a conversation like this:

LISA: Did you remember to mail the bills?

SCOTT: Oh thanks SO much for reminding me since I'M the one who writes them out every month.

LISA: I'm glad you remembered because that DWP bill on the counter must NOT be there because YOU put it in the mailbox.

SCOTT: That's right because the COUNTER is a MAILBOX.

And...end scene.

Here are just two recent examples of Emma's snarkiness. First, it was bedtime, and Lisa was putting Emma into bed. Since it has been a little colder at night, Lisa wanted Emma to go underneath the blankets. Emma did not want to do it. Lisa explained to Emma that she wants to tuck her into the blankets so she'll stay nice and warm.

And what did Emma have to say about this? She told Lisa, "You don't have to worry about me. You just worry about yourself."

The second example was a double whammy. It was dinner, and we were all sitting and eating...except Emma. Lisa told Emma to stop fooling around and to eat her dinner. Lisa said this several times, and I think this started to annoy Emma because she told Lisa, "No more conversations! Everybody just be quiet and eat!"

Whammy number one.

Lisa explained to Emma that everyone was eating except her. Lisa pointed towards Andrew and said, "Look at your brother. He's just sitting down and eating his dinner."

Emma did not like this comparison because she responded, "I don't think Andrew even knows what the word 'conversation' means..."

DOUBLE WHAMMY!

I'm glad when we hear Emma talk like this we can laugh because there will be very little laughing in the house when she becomes a teenager. For now, we are trying to sternly tell Emma that there are certain ways to talk to people that are acceptable and not acceptable. We don't want to overreact because this may only feed the fire inside her more. Or as Lisa and I explained to her:

LISA: Please don't say that, Emma. Because your Daddy would NEVER say that.

SCOTT: Oh yes. I would NEVER say that because your Mommy would NEVER give me a REASON to say such a thing.

What role models we are...

Day 1502 - Dear Santa Part 2

2011-12-04T21:51:00.000-08:00

The holidays are upon us, and this is a wonderful time to be parents. Sure, the whole Santa Claus/family/gift crap is great. But even better is that you're able to blackmail your kids into behaving like good little children! You're not going to eat your vegetables? NO PRESENTS! You're not going to stay in bed? NO PRESENTS! You're not going to give us your Christmas money? NO PRESENTS!

I've never asked my friends how they deal with Santa Claus at their homes, but we have arbitrarily decided that Santa Claus magically fills up your Christmas stockings with toys and gifts on Christmas Eve; all of the other gifts underneath the tree are from family, friends, and sperm donors.

Although we already bought Emma and Andrew their gifts , we asked them to write a letter to Santa. Being a teacher, Lisa told the kids to write their own letter. So with a little coaxing and coaching, Emma and Andrew wrote their own letters to Santa for the very first time.

Here is Emma's letter:

It says:

DEAR SANTA,
I WANT PLAYDOH, CASTLE, BOOK.
EMMA

I hope Santa will be able to read those commas or else Emma's going to end up getting a play-doh castle book. The funny thing that came out of writing this letter is that Emma told us she was a little nervous about Christmas because she thought she screwed things up when she visited Santa. Emma explained that she told Santa she only wanted a princess castle and nothing else. When the actual truth is that she wants a princess castle and many, many more presents.

And here is Andrew's letter:

It says:

DEAR SANTA,
I WANT CARS, PLAYDOH, BOOK.
ANDREW

If you're wondering why Andrew's letter is so similar to Emma's, it's because Andrew got a mental block after cars. All Andrew really enjoys playing with are all of his Cars toys, but he didn't want to get screwed out of receiving less presents than Emma so he decided to tag on playdoh and books. Take that, Emma!

Since the kids wrote these letters towards the end of the day, we told them that we would mail them out tomorrow. Or maybe not? Did you pick up all of your toys? No? Well maybe we won't mail your Santa letter! Bwahahah! Oh, I love Christmas...

Day 1501 - Dear Santa

2011-12-03T22:21:00.000-08:00

This weekend, we took the kids to see Santa Claus. After looking online and realizing that the photo packages at every mall is pretty much the same, we took the kids to the Santa at the Americana. The Americana is the Valley's version of The Grove, but with more smog. The only thing I've ever bought at The Americana is a cup of coffee, but that's par for the course for me at any mall. But the Santa at the Americana is a pretty good one, and the set up is really nice.

If I was in charge of the kids, they would visit Santa wearing a primary colored t-shirt and denim jeans. But Lisa being Lisa, she busted out the button-down shirt for Andrew and a new holiday dress for Emma. I am sure both sides of the family are thankful that there is someone in our family that has some fashion sense.

We arrived at the Americana early enough where there was only a five to eight minute wait to see Santa. While in line, we maintained the Asian stereotype of testing our kids to make sure they efficiently and optimally performed in front of Santa. What's his name? Santa Claus. Where do you sit? On his lap. What do you want for Christmas? WRONG! You want a slide ruler and an abacus!

When it was Andrew and Emma's turn with Santa, they were still a little shy, but they spoke up and told Santa what they wanted for Christmas. Andrew said he wanted cars, and Emma asked for a princess castle. After the small talk, the elf photographer tried to get the kids' attention with a sock monkey. Emma does a great job posing for pictures, but Andrew is always a little off. He's always preoccupied looking at something else besides the camera, and his smiles lean between being constipated and a stroke victim.

As the kids trotted off with Lisa with candy canes in hand, I made a u-turn towards the purchase line. I decided to pick one of two photo packages: 1) The $30 package which includes (1) 5x7 and a usb drive with every photo; 2) The $20 package which includes a usb drive with your choice of one photo.

I made my way to the computer monitor and viewed the five photos that were taken. Photo #1 - Emma smiling, Andrew looking off to the side. Photo #2 - Emma smiling, Andrew looking at the floor. Photo #3 - Emma not smiling, Andrew constipated. Photo #4 - Emma smiling, Andrew slightly constipated. Photo #5 - Emma smiling, Andrew angry.

And Photo #4 it shall be. Happy holidays...with a slight chance of constipation!

Day 1500 - Picture Friday

2011-12-02T23:20:00.000-08:00

"If I pee right into the tree trunk, no one will ever know..."

Emma will hit a mile after she runs around this lap 87 more times.

"Who me? Nap?"

Happiness is...a Mother who will pull out your back hairs.

Have an awful weekend...

JUST KIDDING! Have a great weekend!

Day 1499 - Hairy Situation

2011-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

I think when you have boy/girl twins, you inevitably have the kids take interest in the opposite gender's toys and clothes. Emma will play with Andrew's cars and fire trucks, and Andrew will play with Emma's dolls and fairy wings. We've even had conversations with Andrew explaining to him why only girls and Daddy wear dresses.

Most of the time, our kids just don't want to be left out. For instance, if Emma is getting fingernail stickers, then Andrew wants them because he wants the same amount of attention. For the most part, we let our kids play with or wear whatever they want to at home. But we will try to point them towards the "right" direction when going out into public; Lisa tends to do this more since she is quite embarrassed with my general appearance.

The one thing that has been hilarious is what happens at our preschool. There are occasions when a teacher may braid Emma's hair at school. It's quite fancy and impressive. But of course, Andrew feels left out, so he wants something done to his hair too. Since Andrew's hair is no where as long as Emma's, the teacher needs to improvise. What she came up with is sprouting Andrew's hair with rubber bands.

Here are a few glamor shots of Andrew's various hair styles:

Day 1497 - Conversations with Emma

2011-11-29T22:45:00.000-08:00

Over the past four or six months, the kids have started to become more interested in games. We probably have close to a dozen games that the kids can choose from. Some of their favorites are Chutes and Ladders, Elefun, Candy Land, and Guess What Mommy Drank For Lunch.

Tonight, Emma hopped on the sofa next to me and seemed a little bored.

"Daddy, will you play with me?" she asked.

"Sure," I said. "What do you want to do?"

"Oh! I know! Let's play a really fun game!" she exclaimed.

"Okay, how do you play?" I asked.

"Pretend you're dead."

Day 1495 - Thanksgiving Road Trip

2011-11-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

Although we went as far as buying a turkey for the freezer, we decided at the last moment to go to Northern California for Thanksgiving. We only visited Santa Clara this time because Crazy Gaga was too busy cleaning out the slot machines at all of the Indian casinos. Literally, cleaning out the slot machines. She brings a bucket of sponges and Lysol and literally cleans the slot machines inside and out.

It was a quick visit, but it's always nice to spend the holidays with family. How else would you know what a colonoscopy or prostate examination feels like? And it's all the more better talking about it while eating turkey and stuffing....emphasis on the stuffing.

Although holiday conversations about body orifices are always intriguing, what I really want to talk about is the road trip to Santa Clara. Just in four short years, these road trips have gone from exhausting to really exhausting. When you're traveling with infants, the tough thing is the bottle feeding and the over-packing of luggage and supplies; did we really need to bring the Diaper Genie in the car? But when you're dealing with four year olds, it's a whole other ball game.

I'd say between three and four years old, our kids began to get bored and infinitely irritated with car trips. About the only two things our kids say to us on these long road trips are "Are we there yet?" and "You ran over another bird!" This age was also the time when we decided to purchase a portable DVD player -- the savior of all car trips.

But the one thing that really got me on this trip was my thought that driving at night would make it easier. We drove several hours, stopped off for dinner, and then brushed the kids' teeth and put them into their pajamas. With about three hours left, I thought I could coast right through while the kid sleep through the rest of the trip. But boy was I wrong! Why is it that the kids will fall asleep coming back from Costco, but when we have 200 miles left to Santa Clara, all they want to do is raise my blood pressure?

As we pulled back onto the highway for the last leg of the trip, Andrew immediately started to whine. What was he whining about? He was complaining that it was too dark outside.

"Andrew, it's night. It's suppose to be dark," we explained to him.

"But I DON'T LIKE IT! IT'S TOO DARK! WHERE'S THE LIGHT!" he screamed.

"You need to go to sleep like the sun," we said.

"WAKE UP THE SUN!!!" he demanded.

His whines turned into screams and cries. Inevitably, this began to get Emma upset. Her tolerance for shrieking and very loud noises has decreased, so she got angry at Andrew.

"Andrew! Stop crying! It's too loud!" she pleaded.

"I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SAY, EMMA! STOP IT!" yelled Andrew.

"You stop it!"

"NO YOU STOP IT!"

"STOP IT!"

"NOOOO!"

And cue the dissonance tones of crying and shrieking by the Emma and Andrew Crabby-nacle Choir.

I put away the DVD player because I thought the kids were going to fall asleep. So Lisa grabbed the player, and attempted to set it up for the kids. This always gets me a little nervous because Lisa has to turn around in her seat and stick her butt in my face to reach the DVDs. I fear that she might slip, and her ass on my head would be the end of the Ichikawa family. I imagine our epithet would be something along the lines of "What an ass-inine way to die."

Of course the kids' excitement of watching a DVD turned into disagreement over what to watch. Even when we told them they could take turns watching a DVD that turned into an argument over who got to watch their show first. I felt like I was listening to CSPAN.

Ultimately, Cars 2 and Go, Diego, Go made the remainder of the car ride peaceful. We arrived at Santa Clara at 10:15p and the only person who fell asleep in the car was Lisa. Coincidentally, the only person who pooped in the car was Lisa, too.

As I got into bed at midnight and thought about our crappy car drive, I took solace with the thought that my crappiness isn't unique. My crappiness is the one thing that bonds me with all of the other families across the country trying to make it home for Thanksgiving. So this year, I give thanks to all of the other crappy families out there having a crappy day and crappy travel problems. Happy Crapgiving everyone!

Day 1494 - Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-26T22:04:00.000-08:00

Day 1493 - Picture Friday

2011-11-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

Emma likes to refer to the xylophone's mallet as Andrew's blockhead.

Andrew! Did you put bubble bath on your toothbrush again?

Following directions does not quite work when you refuse to open your eyes.

My bear doesn't want to play with me because he's hibernating.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1492 - The List is Life

2011-11-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

You are what you eat. What is also true is that you are what you buy. This is especially true at the grocery store. The next time you're at the grocery store you should take a peek to see what people are buying. Perhaps the bundled up woman is buying chicken noodle soup and cough drops. Maybe the grizzled man is buying Jack Daniels and TV dinners. Or the bow-legged elderly person is buying a pack of Depends.

I had to run out to the grocery store to buy exactly three items. And as I waited to purchase these items, I realized that from these three things you can create a pretty accurate picture of my life. I won't elaborate much more and will let these three pictures speak for themselves. Here is what I bought:

1. STRAINED PRUNES

2. STOOL SOFTENER

3. BALL & CHAIN

Day 1490 - Calling Mr. Furley!

2011-11-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

There was a very awkward moment that happened in our bedroom. Umm. Let me rephrase. There was a very awkward moment that happened in our bedroom that did not involve me with my clothes off.

The kids were finishing up their bath when our friend, Lisa Haskins, came over to visit. Lisa is known to the kids as Lisahaskins (compound word) or Nee-Nee Girl. You see, the Japanese baby word for bedtime is pronounced neh-neh. But since our friend is white, she pronounces it nee-nee. Ergo, Nee-Nee Girl.

After Andrew finished his bath, he bounded out of the bathroom naked and said, "It's Nee-Nee Girl!" I don't know why it's still kinda cute and endearing to see little kids run around naked at home when it is just plain depressing and ugly when I do it. At least that's what the wifey says...

Nekkid Andrew started blabbing off to Nee-Nee Girl about some random stuff, and then he said something that took us all aback. He said to Nee-Nee Girl, "I want to show you how big I am!" Here comes the Mr. Furley look...

We were all afraid what was going to happen next. Nee-Nee Girl just looked at me in shock and pleaded for help with her eyes. I asked Andrew to repeat what he just said, and he said once again while scratching his balls, "I want to show Nee-Nee Girl how big I am!"

Andrew took Nee-Nee Girl's hand and started to pull her into his bedroom. I was interested to see where this was leading, although I was ready to stop the proceedings if it ended up like a tragic ABC Afterschool special.

But butt-naked Andrew did not take Nee-Nee Girl into the bedroom. He stopped in the hallway and pointed to his growth chart. "Look! Look how big I am!" he said as he showed her how tall he was.

Although we knew Andrew's request was innocent, it is pretty funny how our adult minds can reinterpret things into Mr. Furley-like innuendo confusion. Just goes to show you how our minds devolve as we get older. All that we needed to finish up the night was to have a naked Emma go up to Nee-Nee Girl and say, "I want to show you my jugs" (Emma has a jug collection).

Day 1488 - Watch Out for the Storm!

2011-11-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

This past summer, we bought a family membership to visit several children's museums across the country. Call me unambitious, but I think we'll just stick to the three museums in town. The three museums in the Los Angeles area are Kidspace, Zimmer, and Skirball Cultural Center.

We visited the Skirball Museum to explore their Noah's Ark exhibit, and it was a really cool place for the kids. Everything in the exhibit is hands-on which means two things: 1) Kids are able to learn through independent exploration and sensory experience; 2) I could never bring Crazy Gaga to this place because there isn't enough Purell in the world to sanitize this place.

Instead of going through a wordy description of the entire exhibit, I thought I would share a few pictures with some snarky commentary. And to make it extra fun, there was a surprise celebrity guest at the museum, so I'll drop off some random hints as we make our way through Noah's Ark.

You begin your adventure in this 8,000 square feet attraction by getting ready for the impending flood. As you can see in these pictures, Andrew and Emma are creating a dramatic rainfall. There is another area where you can create thunder. And lastly, I decided I would contribute something to this area by giving a generous donation of wind. Warm, musky wind.

CELEBRITY GUEST HINT #1: This person probably does not live a simple kind of life like Noah.

When you turn around, you see the outside of the ark. By the looks of it, Noah has been preparing his solo spot for the Chabad Telethon too much because the ark is not quite ready to take on the flood. But don't worry because you're able to collect wooden slats to build the ark and place matching foam animals on the conveyor belt to get them inside the ark.

At first, Emma and Andrew didn't realize what the conveyer belt did. So, I grabbed a couple of foam animals, turned the crank, and demonstrated to them how to get their sponge gazelles into the ark. Call me the Pied Piper of Conveyer Belts because once I showed our kids how to do, there was a gaggle of toddlers drooling over foam sloths, llamas, and zebras.

When you enter the ark between two wooden camels, there is once again a variety of activities for your child to engage. You can enter wooden crates and pull on rope to activate windows and hatches. There is a three foot model of a ark that you can play with much akin to a doll house. But most surprising to me is that there was a kiosk that sold dill pickles and a gift store that sold t-shirts that said "I Told You So!" inside the ark.

CELEBRITY GUEST HINT #2: When this celebrity's child was being too timid to play with some of the exhibits, the child was told "What you waiting for?"

There is also this wall of various stuffed animals that children can match up into pairs. Emma thought this was a fun thing to do and was curious about the different names of the animals. As I watched Emma play with these dolls and move them from shelf to shelf, I wondered what Crazy Gaga would've thought about Emma playing with these dolls. All I could come up with is that she'd probably see this wall of dolls like this:

The last room of the gallery was Emma and Andrew's favorite. It was one gigantic room of platforms, ladders, tunnels, and ramps. The idea is that you are inside the ark with the animals and you need to clean, feed, and care for them on multiple levels. The realism of the room went as far as having fake poop on the floor and nearby brooms and buckets. Personally, I'd second guess the animal poop when you have some kids running around with unusually loose diapers.

We probably spent an hour and a half at the Noah's Ark attraction. I must say there was a great amount of thought and creativity that went into this project. Every animal in this exhibit was made from recycled items. Flamingos were made out of pink fly swatters, kiwi birds were made out of boxing gloves, and the mane of a lion was made from hundreds of keys. I think the skin on the alligator may have even been made from recycled DVDs of a couple of my failed television shows.

All in all, the Skirball Cultural Center's Noah's Ark attraction was a great way to spend a few hours on a windy weekend. There is no doubt that we will be returning to this place in the near future. Get it? No doubt...What you waiting for...Simple kind of life...

That's right...the celebrity guest was...

I hope you enjoyed playing this game. And if you have any suggestions, please feel free to hollaback. Get it? Hollaback? Hollaback Girl?

Day 1487 - Keeping Abreast of the Conversation

2011-11-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

It was one of those lazy afternoons when the kids were lying down in our bed and watching television. After Lisa told me I should turn off The Human Centipede, Emma started to climb a hill. And by hill, I mean Lisa's breasts.

Lisa coughed out a few gaffaws and one sound that was borderline offensive. She asked Emma to please not climb on her boobies. Oh, if I had a dime for every time...

And soon I began to listen to the most unusual conversation about breasts between Emma and Lisa. Of course, my conversation about man-breasts between Wilfred Brimley and the stand-ins on Mike & Molly was pretty surreal, but let's focus our discussion on female breasts.

Emma pointed to Lisa's tah-tahs and said, "What are these?"

"These are my breasts," explained Lisa. But if I was to be more technical, I probably would've said areola.

"Do babies come out of them?" asked Emma. I immediately had this Dali-esque vision of babies being born from boobs. As the doctor yells, "Push!", the nipples open up like manhole covers, and out pops a baby with a hardhat.

"No," laughed Lisa. "Babies do not come out from breasts."

"Then what are they for?" inquired Emma.

Lisa took the easy road and said, "They are just something that girls have." My answer would've been three simple words: pawing, pushing, and punching.

"Why are my boobies so small?" said Emma staring at her breast. Oh god. Are we really going to have this conversation with a four year old? This is when I would've taken the easy road and said, "Because you're Asian."

"Little girls don't have breasts, that's all," stated Lisa simply.

"Mommy, why are your boobies so big? So big!" exclaimed Emma. Perhaps, Emma, because your hands are so small?

Lisa downplayed the size of her Grand Tetons and told Emma, "They're not so big, Emma. It's just that when you become older like Mommy, you start to grow them. But you don't have to think about it because that is a long time away."

Emma thought about this for a few moments and came to a realization. "When I get older, I want to get big boobies! Really, really, really big boobies!"

I practically rolled off the bed into a pile of WTFs. This conversation was starting to get way too weird for me. But as a parent, I have learned not to make a big deal about something you don't want your child to retain. The best thing to do is to be nonchalant and direct their attention toward something else.

So that is exactly what I did by saying, "Hey! Let's talk about Andrew's penis now!"

Genius, Scott. Just...genius.

Day 1486 - Picture Friday

2011-11-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

Emma demonstrates how Mommy's underwear is made perfectly for wedgies.

The man behind the curtain...

"Andrew...does...not...want...to...play...sandwich...any...more!"

For a whimsical look, tie your hair in a bow with Smurf entrails!

Psst...Have a great weekend!

Day 1485 - A...My Name is Andrew

2011-11-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

After a series of meetings and consultations, we finally enrolled Andrew into speech therapy. According to my meeting with an administrator, you qualify for speech therapy through the school district if your child is understandable less than 70% of the time; Andrew was exactly at 70%. Good thing I had him gargle with lidocaine before his speech evaluation!

The administrator showed me a chart that showed the 70th percentile and where Andrew was at in terms of his speech development. It reminded me of that scene in Forrest Gump where the school principal was explaining to Mama Gump how her son has special needs. I didn't take this situation to the next step in which I was going to sleep with the school official. Not that I have anything against slightly rotund, pushing 60, Mormon ladies.

I had two choices for Andrew's speech sessions: one-on-one or group speech therapy. I wasn't too clear what group speech therapy was going to be. I always envision group therapy ending with a hulking Indian smothering me to death. But the administrator explained that this type of speech therapy was created around 15 years ago for kids that are pre-kindergarten and only have trouble with articulation. Each session would center around a specific sound, and the kids would practice the sound through games, songs, and activities. Parents need to stay and supervise the entire time, and siblings are free to participate.

This sounded like an easy choice to make. Bring on the group therapy and the smothering Indian!

So from now until the end of the current school year, Andrew and Emma are going to attend these phonological sessions. Every Thursday, I will need to pick them up early from preschool and get them to the local elementary school for their 3:15p class. I'm not too sure how this is going to work out when I go back to work because Lisa won't be able to pick up the kids from preschool until 3:30pm. At the worst, this means Andrew will only master half of all his sounds. So instead of saying "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog", he may end up saying "The qui brown fo umped over the lay doh."

I know Andrew has become more understandable over the past months, but I hope these articulation classes will help him catch up with some of the sounds he is lacking. Since I had speech therapy for eight years (and continuing psychiatric therapy for a bunch of unmentionable inner turmoil), I know when I started elementary school I thought nothing of going to speech therapy. But as the years went by, I grew a little more self-conscious; this is not what I want Andrew to go through. He doesn't need his classmates to laugh at him when he pronounces the number sixty-six as "sexy sex."

Day 1483 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

2011-11-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

What's crazier than getting pepper sprayed over a $2 waffle iron at Walmart? Need you really ask? It would be...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

I know it has been awhile since the last Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime installment, but Crazy Grandma has been keeping herself busy up in Sacramento alphabetizing her Alpha-bits cereal collection and spearheading a new organization to find homes for all of those dead cats 1-800-GOT-JUNK employees find on the television show Hoarders.

But Crazy Grandma always finds enough time to sit in front of the computer and Skype with Emma and Andrew. Of course with the way Crazy Grandma frames herself with the webcam, the kids now believe her head looks like this:

The kids usually enjoy hiding from Crazy Grandma when they are Skyping which is not very difficult when all you have to do is move a foot left or right of the camera. But this time, Emma had something she wanted to share with Crazy Grandma: a joke.

"Gaga! I want to tell you a joke," said Emma.

"Hi, Emma! It's Grandma!" said Crazy Grandma to clarify for Emma who she was talking to...I guess.

"I have a joke for you," continued Emma. "Knock-knock!"

"I'm over here! Peek-a-boot!" answered Crazy Grandma.

"No, Gaga! Knock-knock!" repeated Emma.

"Oh! Who at the door! Look! It's Emma!" said a clueless Gaga.

"Gaga! You suppose to say 'Who's there'!" explained Emma.

"I'm Grandma!" answered Grandma.

"Ugh!" uttered a frustrated Emma. "Knock-knock!"

"Knock-knock," repeated Crazy Grandma.

"KNOCK-KNOCK!"

"KNOCK-KNOCK!"

"I don't want to play anymore," huffed Emma as she stepped a foot to the left of the webcam.

And so ends Crazy Grandma's attempt at stand-up comedy...

Day 1481 - Conversations with Emma & Andrew

2011-11-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

We still use the baby monitor. Lisa takes comfort in hearing what the kids are saying at bedtime, but I don't really see the use of it anymore. Mostly because if they want something at night, they will make themselves known with or without the monitor by screaming, crying, or throwing things down the stairs.

The only great thing about the monitor to me is that you are able to hear Emma and Andrew talk to each other uncensored. Generally, Emma takes the role of the boss and Andrew takes the role of the obstinate and sarcastic employee.

Last night, Emma wanted to go to sleep, but Andrew kept on talking. This is the conversation we heard...

ANDREW

I am Lightning McQueen. I am speed! Vroom!

EMMA

Andrew, be quiet! I want to go to sleep!

ANDREW

Oh no! Mater has a bomb. I hook McQueen to Mater. Zoom! They fly! Zoom!

EMMA

Andrew! Stop! Listen to me. Are you listening to me? I want to sleep and you need to be quiet. Do you want our parents to get mad?

ANDREW

QUIET! STOP IT, EMMA! I don't like what you do.

EMMA

You know what Mommy and Daddy say. We need to sleep so we can get big and if you don't go to sleep then you won't grow.

ANDREW

I'm big! I'm THIS tall!

Sounds of Andrew jumping on the bed.

EMMA

Andrew! Don't jump on the bed! It's dangerous!

Sounds of something hitting something.

EMMA

Andrew! Don't throw your doll at me!

ANDREW

I get you, Emma! Gotcha!

EMMA

I say this one more time, Andrew. Andrew? I'm serious. Listen. You need to be quiet. No more talking. You hear me? No more talking!

A few moments of silence followed by...

ANDREW

(singing)

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout...DOWN came the rain and washed the spider out...

EMMA

STOP SINGING! MOMMY! DADDY!

Day 1480 - Screening Process

2011-11-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

Month after month, there are two constants in my life. One, the kids are growing and developing into young people. Two, my iPad is becoming less and less my possession.

The kids love the iPad. I created a folder on the iPad with all of their apps which includes everything from Cars games to Super Why activities to a link to their Pageonce financial accounts. Playing with the iPad is never assumed though. They usually get to play it for a certain amount of time at the end of the day if they are well-behaved. And by that I mean if they were well-behaved for anything we needed to use the iPad as an incentive during the last few hours of the day.

No matter how useful the iPad can be, one unfortunate outcome has occurred due to the popularity of tablets: the inability for young children to differentiate between a touch screen and a LCD monitor Do you know how many laptop computer screens have been ruined due to this childhood ignorance? No Child Left Behind? How about No Monitor Screens Left Behind?

Since Andrew has inherited my geek genes much more than Emma, he is the main culprit with his greasy little fingers mucking up my laptop screen. I really don't like the kids touching our laptop or computers because I don't want them to think they are toys. The time will come when they will learn how to use it, and in the meantime they can read their books, play with boardgames, and their dolls...on the iPad.

I'm really going to have to teach Andrew the difference between a computer monitor and the iPad because his fingers are becoming much more powerful; it could be due to all of the nose and butt picking. If we are selecting a video on YouTube or Skyping with Crazy Gaga and Lazy Papa, Andrew will point and scroll his booger-infested fingernails all over the laptop screen. If it was safe to spray a monitor with a mixture of Purell and bleach, I would.

I'm really at the crossroad of either teaching the kids how to use a mouse and touchpad or not letting them touch the computer at all. Right now, despite my innate geekiness, I'm leaning towards not letting them touch the computer. They just turned four, and they have a whole life ahead of them to be inundated with RAM, gigabytes, and motherboards. The iPad is more than enough for them right now, and time will dictate when it's time to take an educational weekend trip to Fry's Electronics.

Day 1479 - Picture Friday

2011-11-11T21:39:00.000-08:00

One Showtime free weekend, and you end up with Dexter Jr.

Emma shows proof of Mommy's poor eye sight by holding up one of her contact lenses.

For Pete's sake! Do NOT throw in the white towel!

This is what happens when you claim you "accidentally" ate up all of your Halloween candy.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1478 - Right or Thong?

2011-11-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

The trick with young kids is that you need to create boundaries, yet give them room to assert themselves at the same time. For instance, they must eat what is on their dinner plate, but they can request something different to eat the next time. Or they can only pick one candy from their Halloween stash each day, but they can pick whichever one they want. Or they must wash their hands after using the bathroom, but a reasonable option is to wipe their hands on Mommy's face towel.

One boundary that was broken last week was our bedroom. It is perfectly okay for the kids to lie down in our bed and watch television or play with their toys and books on our floor. But the kids started to go through our drawers which is not okay. I think it's important for the kids to learn that they need to respect other people's belongings and privacy. It is also important that they are not exposed to hidden porn and bongs.

What the kids ended up doing is going through Lisa's underwear drawer. It is a mixture of old, baggy underwear and old, stringy thongs. Emma and Andrew never saw a thong underwear before and couldn't make heads or tails about it (hint: it's for you tail.). It was pretty hilarious seeing them playing with Lisa's underwear so I started to do what any Japanese father would do: take pictures of them.

When Lisa saw what the kids were doing, she was not happy at all. She scolded them for playing with her underwear and told them they should not do that again. And then Lisa did what any elementary school teacher would do: she gave the kids some of my underwear to play with.

Although I did not take video, here is a bunch of photos of their fun with our underwear. But the joke's on them because my underwear was dirty. Suckers!

Day 1476 - Stalling for Time

2011-11-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

Although having your kids out of diapers is a great achievement, it does pose other problems. First of all, accidents will happen. Emma has been really good about being potty trained, but Andrew will still have an occasional accident, and he still wears overnight diapers at night. Secondly, you force your children to go to the bathroom before leaving the house. The problem with this is that if your kid doesn't have to go, the only thing that will be pissed is your kid and not the toilet. Finally, when you're out and about, you always seem to be in a mad rush to find the public restroom.

This past weekend, we were at the Century City mall, and I was in a mad rush to find a bathroom for Andrew. While browsing the Apple Store, I noticed Andrew kept on grabbing himself. Either he had to go to the bathroom or he was really turned on by the iPhone 4S. I picked him up and walked off to the nearest restroom.

When we walked into the bathroom, it smelled something awful. The last time I smelled something so gnarly was underneath our bedroom sheets after an unfortunate Baja Fresh excursion. I walked Andrew to the nearest urinal, but Andrew was hesitating.

"Andrew, what's wrong?" I asked.

"It's too smelly in here," he said.

I couldn't argue with him, but I had to make him pee. "Just go pee-pee, and then we can get out."

"NO! IT'S TOO SMELLY!" To stress his point, he stuck two fingers up his nose.

As I pulled out Andrew's fingers, I pulled down his pants and asked him to pee. Although Andrew agreed to pee, he still wanted to express how unhappy he was about this public bathroom.

"IT SMELLS LIKE POO-POO! I DON'T LIKE IT!" Andrew screamed.

Andrew was about finished peeing, but I continued to try and calm him down. "Andrew, I understand that it smells like stinky poo-poo in here. But sometimes people do stinky poo-poos. The faster you finish going pee-pee, the faster we can get out of this stinky poo-poo room."

And imagine my embarrassment when I heard a flush and the bathroom stall opened: the Stinky Poo-Poo Man revealed himself. I didn't have the nerve to make eye contact with Stinky Poo-Poo Man. Although Andrew finished peeing, we stood next to the urinal until Stinky Poo-Poo Man left the restroom.

As Andrew and I washed our hands and exited the restroom, I think we were both relieved for this restroom experience to be over with. Andrew was glad to breathe fresh air, and I was glad I didn't have to utter the words "stinky poo-poo" in public again. And if Stinky Poo-Poo Man is out there reading this blog, may I please suggest more fluids and chlorophyll tablets in your diet?

Day 1474 - Conversations with Emma

2011-11-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

Emma is independent and likes to try and do things by herself. In other words, she is going to be a terror in about eight years. But for the time being, it is amusing to hear her talk about doing things in the future. While eating breakfast, I had this talk with her.

"When can I drive a car?" asked Emma.

I wanted to tell her after menopause, but instead I said, "When you're sixteen."

"How long is that?" Emma mumbled as cereal came out of her mouth.

"You're four now, so that will be twelve more years," I answered.

"Is that a long time?"

"A pretty long time. But before you know it, you'll be driving Daddy to the race tracks," I said.

"Yay! What else can I do when I'm sixteen?" Emma continued.

"Well, you will be able to do almost everything that Mommy and Daddy can do." This thought scared me. But Emma's response scared me more.

"Oh boy! So when I'm sixteen I can have a baby!" she shouted with glee.

This time, cereal came out of my mouth...

Day 1473 - Drag Races

2011-11-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

As the months pass by, Emma and Andrew become better friends and playmates. Conversely, this also means that they occasionally become each other's archenemy and nemesis. Lisa and I like it better when they're friends...

One day, the kids realized how fun it is to be dragged by each other. It's one of those things that is cute and hilarious when you're a kid, but becomes a misdemeanor when you become an adult; I learned that the hard way.

I'm not too sure if it has to do with weight or strength, but there was definitely a difference when I watched the kids drag each other into our bedroom. Take a look..

Day 1472 - Picture Friday

2011-11-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

Poor, misinformed Emma thinks she's playing with gak when actually she is underneath a Gremlin with diarrhea.

"I'll never eat that much candy again..."

This is what happens when you leave the television on and Annie Hall is playing.

Who says race car drivers can't lounge on pink pillows and cuddle with unicorns?

Have a great weekend!

Day 1471 - Happiest Place at Westfield Mall?

2011-11-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, our local mall had the grand opening of Emma and Andrew's favorite store. No, not those Sleep Number stores with their trademarked Select Comfort mattresses. We are talking about the Disney Store. For the past two months, the Disney Store was being remodeled into something a little fancier and cooler. And the unveiling of the improved store was this past Saturday.

Previously, the Disney Store was pretty basic: a big television screen in the back of the store, and plenty of shelves and displays of the latest Disney merchandise (i.e. Jake Gyllenthal Prince of Persia chest reproductions, Diane Lane Secretariat action figures, and Nicholas Cage National Treasure hair pieces). But the new layout has a Princess castle, a magical talking mirror, a gazebo with a large HD projection screen, and numerous other digital projections throughout the store. All you really need to enjoy this store are some kids, an imagination, and a credit card with a generous limit.

Our entire family enjoys Disney. Even before the kids were born, Lisa and I would enjoy going to the Disney theme parks and watch the latest Disney/Pixar movies in the theater. So I thought it would be fun for the kids to go to the grand opening since there would also be a photo opportunity with the characters from Toy Story. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

But when we arrived at the mall, all I wanted to shout instead was, "Zip-a-dee-doo-what-the-f*&k-are-we-doing-here?!?" You see, there was a gigantic line to meet the characters from Toy Story. Since we already built up the experience, we got into line with all the other parental suckers and waited it out.

The wait was mind-numbing for me, but Lisa didn't mind at all. As we made our way slowly down the line, Lisa would just pop into the next clothing or shoe store and leave me with our increasingly impatient children. Here's a picture of the line after fifteen minutes of waiting; the red arrow is where we were at.

After about forty minutes of waiting and Lisa's four bags of newly bought clothes, we finally got to the front of the line. I tried to pump up the kids since they were going to meet Buzz Lightyear.

"Look! You're going to meet Buzz Lightyear! Isn't that exciting?" I asked the kids.

"I wanted to meet Jessie," whined Emma.

"I don't like Toy Story," whined Andrew.

After shaking them senselessly and demanding that they enjoy this Disney experience, it was time for them to meet Buzz. Buzz gave the kids a couple of high fives, the kids laughed, and then we took this picture.

It was all over in under fifteen seconds. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean in a lot of circumstances fifteen seconds is actually a real long time. Right? I mean...I'm just saying. It's definitely not a short amount of time. Right? RIGHT?

Although I was a bit of a grump towards the end, my dark cloud lifted since the kids were excited to take the picture with Buzz. And isn't that why we as parents do what we do for our kids? We put up with these crazy situations for those mere seconds or minutes of happiness that we see on our kid's face.

But after I found out that there was another line to enter the actual store, my Eeyore cloud reappeared and I muttered, "Supercalifragilisticwhatthef*&karewedoinghere?"

Day 1469 - Trick or Treat!

2011-11-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

For Halloween this year, Emma dressed up as Tinker Bell and Andrew dressed up as one of Lightning McQueen's pit stop crew members. Even Mommy and Daddy got into the holiday spirit by dressing up. Mommy dressed up as Minnie Mouse and Daddy dressed up as an Abercrombie and Fitch model.

I guess I must fess up to something not authentic about my costume: those aren't my sunglasses.

Halloween must have been invented by barren people because who in their right mind would create a holiday that allows children to collect tons of candy right before bedtime? My vision of Halloween would be children collecting warm milk and Benedryl.

We went trick or treating with our friends in their family-friendly neighborhood. It was interesting to see how Emma and Andrew went about knocking on doors and asking for candy. At first, they were a little tentative and wanted us to be with them. As soon as they got comfortable, they were much more at ease going up to doors and knocking on them. Let's hope this does not become a habit.

When Andrew would collect his candy, he would either take one piece of candy or wait for the person to put candy into his bag. But Emma displayed a boldness as the night went on. Our friend commented that Emma started to take gigantic handfuls of candy from the bowls. She was determined to fill up her candy bag!

But soon enough, the novelty of collecting candy began to wear on them. After half an hour of walking, the days of whine and roaming hit a breaking point. Andrew started to say his trademarked, "I can't walk," and Emma collapsed on the sidewalk. It was time to go home.

After allowing the kids to pick one candy to eat before bedtime, we tucked the kids into bed so we could steal...err...divide their candy into age appropriate piles. Basically, we took all of the chewy chocolate candy and left them with everything else. Granted, everything else consisted of plastic eyeballs and a bag of pretzels, but I guess tomorrow morning the kids will awake to a gigantic trick.

Day 1468 - Preschool Danceathon

2011-10-30T16:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend our preschool had a Halloween Danceathon fundraiser. All of the money raised goes towards the Arts and Music curriculum. In other words, all of the money goes towards finger paint and kazoos.

The parents and teachers transformed the classrooms into different areas. There was an Under the Sea room with mermaids and fun house mirrors. Another room was a Mad Scientist's laboratory and adjacent to that was a Princess area with face painting. Outside, the playground was transformed into a pirate ship, and they had stacks of hay for the kids to climb on. Granted the whole endeavor had a "let's put on a show" look to it, but I think that's what made it cute and charming.

Emma and Andrew had a fun time at the party, and they each had their most favorite thing. Emma really enjoyed getting her face painted into a gigantic flower. Depending on your view, she either ended up looking like a freaky flower from Alice in Wonderland or gigantic butterfly decomposed on her face.

As for Andrew, the thing he loved the most was...crackers. That's right. Just plain old Ritz crackers. I don't know how many times he ran into the banquet hall to take a handful of crackers. Each time I saw him eating crackers, I went up to him and asked, "Are you eating more crackers?" To which he responded, "No," as he spit dry crackers all over my shoes.

The main event was the danceathon. Each child had to get sponsored much like a marathon. It was for no particular amount of time, so it was just a flat donation. And good thing it was just a flat donation because take a look at the dance floor:

This picture reminds me of one of my junior high school dances. Mostly because I dressed up as Batman and tried to pop balloons all night.

I heard that this fundraiser was quite successful and the financial goal was reached. There was a rumor that the cracker budget went over, but I'm not going to mention anything. But most importantly, parents and children were involved together in making this a fun day for the family. Here are a few more pictures of the event!

The Under the Sea room. Or as I like to call it Toilet Paper Factory Explosion.

Hay! Hay! Haaaay!

As Andrew wipes his nose on the plasma ball, he renames it Electric Boogerboo.

All this picture reminds me of is the painful memory of my crotch after a six hour bike ride.

Have a great...err...weekday?

Day 1467 - Those Crazy Japanese

2011-10-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

Crazy Gaga occasionally sends the kids packages full of random gifts. As she once mentioned to Auntie Anne (pretzel maven), "If you want dah kids tah remembah you, den you give dem lots o lots o gifts!"

In this particular package, there were some new pajamas, some random toys that she picks up at either a toy store or a garage sale, and some snacks. I will clarify -- lest Crazy Gaga calls me up in a rant -- that when she purchases toys for the kids at garage sales, she always washes them before she sends them. I'll testify to that because when I open up the care packages, it usually smells like a weird mixture of old Japanese lady and bleach.

The snacks she sent the kids were these Japanese crackers shaped like animals. As with most Japanese packaging, the characters are super cute and random English words are typed on the front. In this case the word "BABY" is prominently displayed. I assume this either means these crackers are for babies or that we are actually eating babies made into crackers. You can never second guess those crazy Japanese, you know.

When you open up the bag, you have a bunch of different shaped crackers with the animal's name printed on it. For instance, here is a lion, hippo, and sheep:

Honestly, they all look alike to me. But then again, I'm Asian so what do I know what I'm talking about. I poured about half a dozen of these cookies in a little plastic bowl for the kids to munch on. And they really enjoyed asking me what word was on each of the crackers.

But then Emma got to a cracker that took me for a loop. It was this cracker:

That's right. It's a cock. Interestingly, this looked more like a cock that any of the other animals.

"Daddy, what does this say?" asked Emma.

"Err. Umm. It says chicken," I answered.

"How do you spell it?"

"C-h-i-c-k-e-n. Chicken."

Emma thought. "That's too many letters!"

"Just put that chicken in your mouth," I muttered. Good thing I didn't say that other word.

I suppose I could've just told Emma what was written on the cracker because it isn't a bad word in this particular context, but I just had an awful feeling that this would lead to something uncomfortably dangerous. Can you imagine cute little Emma saying things like this...

     "This cock sure is crunchy."

     "Can I put this cock in my pocket for later?"

     "One cock isn't enough!"

There's no reason to censor any of Crazy Gaga's Japanese snacks, but it just goes to show you how one's tainted adult mind can make an innocent cracker a symbol of debauchery. I will continue to give the kids these crackers and not make a big deal about how many cocks spill into their plastic bowls. But I may just have to double check this package that just arrived from Crazy Gaga. Has anyone ever heard of a Japanese snack called Baby Gummi Douche Balls?

Day 1466 - Picture Friday

2011-10-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

"Oh boy! Mommy and Daddy said if the store is opened, we can buy whatever we want!"

"Come on, Mommy! Bigger! BIGGER!"

Either the pumpkin smells bad or we never should've let Andrew play with rubber cement.

"Bwahaha! I have this awesome wagon and Emma doesn't!"

Once again: size matters.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1465 - Conversations with Andrew

2011-10-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

Being around a bunch of boys at preschool, Andrew has picked up some words that are stereotypically associated with being a boy like "fight", "shoot", and "bodacious boobies." Actually, he might've picked up that last word from me while watching a Michael Bay movie.

This morning, I was trying to get Andrew to brush his teeth. He was busily playing with his cars and ignoring me. So I decided to be playful with him in order to get him into the bathroom.

"Andrew, if you don't go to the bathroom, I'm going to get you!" I said.

Andrew looked up at me with a rascally grin.

"You heard me, Andrew. I'm going to get you!" I approached him and pretended that I was going to tickle him.

"You can't get me!" he screamed. He stood up and ran around the sofa.

"I'm going to tickle you!" I shouted as I chased him into the bathroom.

When I walked into the bathroom, Andrew was up against the wall bracing for a tickle. So I tickled him and stood him on top of the stepstool. I continued to tickle him as I grabbed him cup and toothbrush.

"Stop it!" Andrew said between laughing. "No more tickling!"

When I finally stopped tickling him, he said something I'm sure he picked up at school. He said with innocence, "I kill you!"

It's weird to hear the phrase "I kill you" with such little threat and great playfulness. I didn't want to make a gigantic deal about it, but I turned serious and said, "I hope you didn't say what I thought you said because it is not a good word to say. So I'm going to ask you to repeat what you just said."

Andrew's face also turned serious. His devilish grin disappeared and his eyes turned big with forgiveness. He looked straight at me and answered my question.

Andrew said, "I love you?"

Hmph. Killing me with kindness...

Day 1464 - Bad End to a Great Day

2011-10-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

This past Monday was Lisa's birthday, and as I mentioned in yesterday's blog, she had a great day. But I totally forgot that it ended on an unfortunate note.

It was almost time for the kids to go to bed. I asked the kids to listen to Mommy tonight and not give her a hard time because it was her birthday, and since she is slowly becoming an elderly woman, it is not a good idea to force unnecessary stress upon her. Emma and Andrew agreed.

But right before Lisa was going to brush Andrew's teeth, he made that undeniable face that said "I'm pooping my pants." Lisa whisked Andrew as quickly as a near-elderly woman could whisk, and sat him on the toilet. But it was too late. The Yogurtland dispenser already dispensed a trickle of chocolate frozen yogurt.

Lisa did not get upset at Andrew, but clearly got the point across to him that he needs to make sure he does his poop in the potty.

"Andrew, you're becoming such a big boy," Lisa said. "You should really try to sit on the potty when you need to go to the bathroom. Now you got your poopy all over your underwear and pajamas."

Emma overheard Lisa telling this to Andrew. Emma made an exasperated face and ran up to me.

"Oh no, Daddy! Andrew went poo-poo all over his pants," Emma reported. And with the appropriate hand gestures, she continued, "This is NOT a very good birthday for Mommy."

And if Emma was somehow able to incorporate the word "crap" into her sentence, then that totally would have brought a tear to my face.

Day 1463 - Happy Birthday, Mommy

2011-10-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Lisa's birthday. Lisa loves birthdays which means I have to love her birthdays too. I try to do the best job possible by making her birthday fun and relaxing. For instance, she hardly spends any time with the kids during the weekdays, so I made sure that she spent quality time with them yesterday: I made sure Lisa made them dinner, fed them dinner, cleaned their dishes, ran their bath, gave them baths, clean the bath, brush their teeth, and read them stories. That's just the kind of husband I am.

One of the most exciting things about another person's birthday for the kids is that they get to eat cake. As soon as they came home from preschool, they started to ask me about Mommy's birthday cake. This year instead of buying a cake that sits in our fridge for a week, I went down the street to a place called Nothing Bundt Cakes; if I have to explain to you what this store sells, please smack yourself. I bought three personal-sized bundt cakes: red velvet, marble, and chocolate chocolate.

I showed the cakes to the kids, and they asked me what kind of cakes they were. I told them that these were called bundt cakes. Of course their poopy humor genes went into overdrive and started to call them butt cakes. They even pointed to the center of the bundt cake and explained that is the hole where the poopy comes out of.

When Lisa came home from work, I told the kids to give her a big hug and kiss. And after I gave Lisa her birthday handshake, the kids wanted to open her presents. We all sat around the coffee table as Lisa and I watched the kids open up Lisa's presents. Andrew opened up her presents so fast, we accidentally threw away earrings that Crazy Gaga and Lazy Papa gave Lisa because it was hidden in crumbled up wrapping paper.

I hope Lisa had another great birthday this year and remembers it for years to come. Although she may not remember it too long since short term memory is the first to go with old age. I wanted to share with you the birthday cards the kids drew for Lisa. Since the kids are becoming better drawers, I asked them to draw a picture of Mommy and themselves. I thought this would be a nice memory for Lisa.

Here is the picture Emma drew:

And here is the picture Andrew drew:

If you couldn't tell, Andrew drew Lisa as a pig. I guess there's no question he's related to me, huh?

Day 1461 - Halloween Carnival

2011-10-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

Every year, Lisa's school has a Halloween Carnival that we attend. It's a pretty nice set-up with games, food, music, gigantic blow-up slides, and of course the standard haunted house. Although the kids did not partake of the haunted house, there were enough activities in the kindergarten yard to keep them occupied. And it's a good thing they didn't go through the haunted house because there was a rumor that there was a gory decapitated head inside it. Of course it was just a decapitated Kero Kero Keroppi doll, but a decapitation is a decapitation.

I could go on with all of the activities the kids did at the carnival. They loved the bouncy house. They enjoyed sharing a shaved ice. And Andrew broke the spin art machine by dropping his bottle of paint inside it. But I'd like to digress a bit and get something off my chest.

I hate, hate, hate sparkly costumes. On my list of things I hate, I think sparkly costumes is now in between root canals and anal probes. And don't get me started about doctors who wear sparkly scrubs while performing a sigmoidoscopy. And the Halloween Carnival made me even more upset about those damn sparkles.

You see, after we took our Santa Clara weekend trip a month ago, I noticed that the interior of the car was a mess. Cheerios, dirt, and the smell of wet pants permeated the car seats. And I'm just talking about Lisa's side of the car. So, I purchased some cleaning supplies at Target and decided to do a quick interior detail of the CR-V.

After a few hours of wiping, scrubbing, and vacuuming, I was done. I don't think the inside of the car looked brand new, but it certainly was an improvement over how it looked like before. Best of all, it didn't smell like puke and urine anymore. Although there was a slight remnant of smell on Lisa's car seat...

And this leads me to today. For some reason, Lisa dressed Emma in her princess costume inside the car. Not only did Emma sit in the backseat, but Lisa also had Emma sit in the driver's seat because she thought it would be cute to take a picture of Emma pretending to drive the car. When I finally saw Emma running around the car with sparkles getting all over the car, I told her to get out and strip down. It was like a bad toddler prison movie.

I looked inside the car and it looked like Tinker Bell and her fairy friends reenacted the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles. There were sparkles every where. All of my efforts to clean the car was ruined by the animal fetish loving Belle. Although this picture of Emma is awfully cute, all I can see is all of the glitter ruining the car.

When we returned home from the carnival, I did my best to vacuum all of the glitter, but I was not about to spend another hour detailing the interior when Halloween was coming up and who the hell knew what sparkle disaster may happen again. Although I'm used to the mess that comes with having kids, what irked me was how quickly the car got dirty after I spent hours trying to clean it. But I really should've learned my lesson when I cleaned the car the weekend before we attended the Carlsbad Baked Bean Festival. Talk about recreating that scene from Blazing Saddles...

Day 1460 - Pumpkin Carvings

2011-10-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Since Halloween is coming up next weekend, I decided it was about time to carve the pumpkins. I asked the kids what they wanted on their pumpkins. Emma said she wanted Minnie Mouse; Andrew said he wanted Mater. Both are much more complicated than your typical triangle eyes and bucktoothed mouth which incidentally is how I was described while on a blind date.

After looking at some pictures of Minnie Mouse and Mater, I grabbed a dry erase marker and started to draw on the pumpkins. Lisa and the kids were sitting around the dining room table while I prepped the pumpkins to be carved. It was one of those rare times around the dining table when nobody was shouting "Eat your veggies!" and "No! You eat your veggies first!"

I must admit it was nice to have the entire family gathered around and helping out. Lisa was helping the kids clean the inside of the pumpkins while I continued to sketch the cartoon characters. As soon as the pumpkins were cleaned, I began the process of carving the pumpkins. The kids and Lisa watched intently as I began to slowly cut the pumpkin.

But probably no more than five minutes past when everyone left me. Andrew was off playing with his cars. Emma was off playing with her doll house. Lisa was off down the street boozing it up at a tavern. Poor daddy was left alone with his knives and gourds.

For the first thirty minutes, I found carving the pumpkins a little relaxing. It was relatively nice to be able to focus on something without anyone around you. But after thirty minutes passed and I wasn't even finished with the first pumpkin, I began to get a little grumpy.

Why did I let the kids pick what they wanted on their pumpkins? I could've been finished with both pumpkins in thirty minutes if they let me pick the design. You know what I would've picked? A square for Andrew and a triangle for Emma. That's it!

After I finished Minnie Mouse, I still had Mater to carve. By this time, my right index finger was a little raw and numb from all of the carving. But I took it like the man I am: weak and whiny.

I continued my internal rants by wondering why pumpkins were chosen to be carved on Halloween. Pumpkins are stinky and are damn hard to carve because of its thick skin. Why couldn't we carve something simpler like a cardboard box or even better just put stickers on a container? What says Happy Halloween more than scratch and sniff stickers on a L'eggs container?

Ninety minutes later, I finished carving both pumpkins. I called the kids into the kitchen and called a taxi to pick up Lisa at the bar. Despite my raw and stiff fingers, once I saw how happy the kids were with the final results, it made me realize that it was at least 35-45% worth my efforts.

Here are pictures of the kids with the pumpkins:

Day 1459 - Picture Friday

2011-10-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

We probably should've explained to Emma that you do not receive pony rides from cows made out of plywood.

Once again, Andrew gives Daddy a discerning look because he decided to wear a dress in public.

First glance: Brave Emma jumped six feet into a hay stack.

Reality: Klutzy Emma was walking at the bottom of the hay stack and slipped backwards.

"Yes! I faced my fears and jumped off an 18" ledge made of soft, pliable hay! I'm awesome!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1458 - Conversations with Andrew

2011-10-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

It was another typical dinner at home full of spilling, throwing, yelling, and frustration; Norman Rockwell, this is not. Andrew was sitting awkwardly on his chair, so I asked him to demonstrate good manners. Andrew twisted his body around to sit, but as he was about to put his ass on the chair, something happened: Andrew farted.

It was not an ordinary fart. It was a succession of nuclear butt blasts. It was so powerful, the local news reported the tremor's epicenter as Andrew's sphincter. Accurate and troubling. It was time again to reinforce good manners with Andrew.

"Andrew, what do you say?" I asked.

Andrew said nothing.

"Andrew! You just did a gigantic toot. What do you say?"

Andrew just gave me a devilish grin.

I repeated myself over and over again, but Andrew continued to stare at me. I grew frustrated with him and commanded, "Why are you ignoring me and saying nothing at all?"

Andrew finally opened his mouth and said, "I cahn't tahlk because I have too much food in mah mouf!"

Day 1457 - Emma-Cadabra!

2011-10-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

When Emma saw video of her brother doing his magic trick, she decided she could do just as good a job...which honestly isn't very hard to do. Leave it to a perfectionist like Emma to practice her craft so intensely that she eventually ends up on national television.

If you don't believe me, here's a video clip. And please don't ask me how she did this magic trick. Even after watching it several dozen times, I still don't get it!

Travel & Sickness Delay!

2011-10-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

I was getting so close to catching up with the blog, but then we did some traveling the past two weekends. And the moment we returned home on both weekends, the kids got sick. As a matter of fact, Emma has had a pretty high fever the past few days, and we are hoping it is going to break tomorrow. Because if it doesn't, the only other thing that's going to break is my back and sanity.

Day 1455 - Tit for Tot

2011-10-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

We visited Lisa's nephew, Kevin, and wife to see their new home in Lancaster. Thankfully, our passports were still valid and made the trip without a problem. The wife, Shelvey, is expecting her first child in December so she and Kevin are busy getting the house ready for the newborn.

I was showing the baby's room to Emma and memories of my own experiences with our own babies came flooding back. If you're interested in any of my memories, please feel free to click to "Day 1" of this blog and continue to read through Day 365.

Emma was curious about all of the things in the baby's room.

"What's that?" she asked.

"That is a blanket to wrap the baby in," I answered.

"What's that?"

"That is a strap that you connect to the baby's pacifier."

"What's that?"

"A bag of weed."

Well, maybe not everything in the baby's room was for the baby.

But the one thing Emma asked about that opened a wide door for me to screw up was when she pointed to the Boppy -- the pillow you use to breast feed a baby. At first, I simply explained that the Boppy was a pillow to feed the baby. Emma asked where you put the Boppy. I told her you put the pillow around the mommy's tummy. Emma asked where do you put the baby. I explained you put the baby on top of the Boppy. Then Emma asked, "But how does the baby eat?"

I put my brain on pause. Do I skirt the question and just tell Emma that you give the baby a bottle? Or am I just honest with her and matter of factly tell her that a baby receives food via mama's titties? I decided to take the high road and tell Emma the truth although the words "breast feeding" makes me giggle.

"When babies are really young, they get their milk from their mommy's chest," I explained.

"Huh?" Emma said with a crinkled nose.

Oh boy. I better watch myself here. "When a mommy has a baby, the...umm...breasts on the mommy's...err...chest makes milk. And this is how a baby gets food. The mommy breast feeds..tee hee...their baby."

"The boobies make milk?" said Emma with disbelief. "And babies drink it?"

"Yes, Emma. The boobies make milk."

Emma stared at me for a few seconds trying to soak it all in. But the longer she stared at me, the more I wanted to giggle and shout out, "TITTY MILK!" But I think I handled the situation pretty well considering my immaturity about such things like titties and milk. I didn't want to give the impression to Emma that there was anything unusual or shameful about breast feeding (tee hee). As a parent, I always thought it is important to be forthright and honest with your child because if you can't be honest with them, how can you expect them to honest with you.

As I continued my inner thoughts about my parenting skills, Emma burst out laughing and incredulously said, "Mommy's boobies make milk? HAHAH! Boobies make milk? ANDREW! ANDREW! MOMMY'S BOOBIES MAKE MILK!"

I stood in the baby's room by myself as I heard Emma run towards her brother with news about booby milk. As Emma and Andrew began to laugh and continue to scream "booby milk", I pathetically shut the door and crawled into the crib to whimper myself to sleep, but not before one last giggle as I thought about breast feeding.

Day 1454 - Andrew-cadabra!

2011-10-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I dabbled with magic a little bit. I liked to try to make things disappear. The one thing I really tried to make disappear but was constantly unsuccessful was my virginity. I am now sharing my interest of magic with the kids.

I haven't done any card tricks yet, but I have tried to make small objects disappear and reappear. In the beginning, I would put little dolls underneath their bedsheets and make them disappear by lifting the doll up with the sheets. The kids were fascinated by it and began to copy me. They instantly started to put all of their dolls underneath their sheets, but slowly grew frustrated when it did not work for them. Pretty soon, it became ugly because we had two grumpy magicians like Sigfried and Roy after a bad batch of sauerkraut.

Andrew has shown more interest in magic than Emma, so I still try to entertain him with simple tricks. Now Andrew will try to put on little magic shows for us by trying to make things disappear like his toys or his sister; somehow the books tend to get lost, but the sister always finds a way back.

Here is a little clip of our little magician doing a trick for us!

Day 1453 - Picture Friday

2011-10-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

"Mannesrs? I don't need no stinkin' manners."

"Hurray! Another Hello Kitty doll to annoy Daddy with!"

"Where are you, Emma? Let's play a game of Japanese Girl Pinata!"

...and Princess Emma didn't sleep for 72 hours straight.

Have a great weekend (and don't touch our iPad)!

Day 1452 - Cars-a-holic

2011-10-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

"Hello, my name is Andrew Ichikawa, and I am a cars-a-holic."

Or at least that's what I think Andrew is. The sad thing is that Andrew would probably admit it with great pride and happiness. I don't know what exactly it is about the world of Cars, but Andrew as well as millions of other kids around the world are totally infatuated with Lightning McQueen and his pal of four-wheeled friends.

Do you know how much Disney makes off of Cars annually with merchandising? Two billion dollars. That's right. Two...bill...ion...dol...lars. You know what you can get with two billion dollars? This 27 story, 400,000 square foot mansion in Dubai with 600 servants. That's what you can get!

I was looking around the house to see how much Cars crap Andrew has, and it is quite a bit. He has two buckets of assorted Cars vehicles, several race tracks, a few garages, and various Cars related books and toys. Andrew wanted to lay out all of his cars on our coffee table recently, and you can see that he has quite a collection.

But when I look at his collection, this is all I can see:

Yet we enable Andrew to love his Cars collection by purchasing one thing after another so I really can't complain too much. So why do we keep on doing it? Because it makes him happy and in return it makes us happy...especially when he leaves me alone for ten minutes so I can download the latest apps on my iPad.

I remember when I was kid I would be obsessed with certain toys or things. I loved Atari, puppets, records, and Barney Miller (Hey! I had a sophisticated taste for humor as a child.). And although it does occasionally irk me how much Andrew loves his Cars, I try to remember how much joy my belongings gave to me as a child. Especially my Hal Linden Barney Miller poseable action figurine.

Day 1450 - Conversation with Emma & Andrew

2011-10-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

As the kids are getting older, we are allowing them to make certain decisions and choices by themselves. Nothing major, but just little things that help them develop their sense of self. Things like what are the best choices for college investments, the best way to skin a chicken, and what pajamas to wear at night.

On this particular night, Lisa let the kids pick out their pajamas. Andrew rummaged through his pajama drawer and pulled out a Lightning McQueen long sleeve shirt and a mismatched short pants.

"Andrew, are you sure you want to wear this?" asked Lisa. "They don't match."

Andrew told Lisa, "No! I pick this, and I like it!"

As Andrew began to get dressed, Emma looked through her pajama drawer and pulled out a matching ballerina long sleeve shirt and long pants.

Emma proudly held out her choice to Lisa and said, "Mommy! Look what I picked out. Matching long sleeves and long pants. So I won't look disgusting."

Day 1448 - Stranded in Santa Clara

2011-10-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Lisa took Friday off so we could drive up to Santa Clara for two parties: Lisa's sister's surprise birthday party and a baby shower for Lisa's nephew's wife. It's always nice to get together for family celebrations, and I've always firmly believed that family should always come first. But now that we have four year old twins, my new belief is that family comes second when dealing with six and a half hour car trips over a three day weekend.

Friday was actually pretty good. Traffic was minimal, and the kids were well-behaved due to a mixture of a dvd player, iPad games, and three Benedryls. We all had a good night sleep and were ready for Saturday's big event: Auntie Susan's (Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse) surprise 60th birthday party. And before you give yourself a headache, there is about a twenty year difference between Auntie Susan's and Lisa's birthday; Lisa is almost 80.

On Saturday, Emma complained of a slight headache. Ever since she turned three, these long car trips have occasionally caused her to get headaches. Probably a mixture of motion sickness and being in the car for too long. So for the last few trips, we have taken more stops. When we went up this past summer and made three stops, Emma didn't complain of a headache at all. But as this day went on, she turned into a grumpy grump.

Sadly, Emma really didn't feel good when we were at the surprise party for Auntie Susan (PICNU). Lisa and I quickly ate up our dinner and left without even having any dessert. Emma was slightly flushed, so I bought some children's Tylenol in hopes that this would make her feel better.

When Emma woke up on Sunday, it was like she was a new person again. Gone was the grumpy Emma, and happy, cheerful, occasionally defiant and prissy Emma was back! Since Lisa had to return to work on Monday, we began to pack up our bags and decided we would take additional stops to make sure Emma could stretch her legs.

But just around noon, guess who started to complain of a headache? Andrew! One moment, he was in the backyard attempting to shoot a small soccer ball into a regulation basketball hoop, and the next, he was inside lying in bed complaining of a headache. WIMP!

So what was suppose to be a weekend of celebration became a weekend of toddler invalids. The current plan is to return to Los Angeles tomorrow as long as neither of the kids feel sick. If Lisa feels sick, we'll still drive home. If I feel sick, there's no way in hell I'm letting Lisa driving all the way back by herself. She not only tailgates big rigs, she tries to drive on top of them. Wish us luck!

Day 1447 - Quote of the Day

2011-10-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Day 1446 - Picture Friday

2011-10-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Senior or disabled? You decide!

ineverhadsodabeforeandmommyanddaddystillhaventnoticed

soiamgoingtocontinuetodrinkupthisdeliciouselixircalledcocacolaohboydoihavetopee!

Public water fountains are the only way we get Andrew cleaned.

That's right, Emma. If you can get your chin closer to the area on Mickey's shoulder with the bird poop...

Have a great weekend!

Day 1445 - A New First

2011-10-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

When I thought things couldn't get weirder with Andrew peeing on my arm, something else happened to me in the bathroom with Andrew. There are occasions when Andrew goes to pee by himself, and there are times when he's whiny and needy and wants someone to help him. Today was a whiny and needy day.

The one thing with Andrew is that he's a typical boy: impatient, scattered, and fast. Funny enough, those are the three reasons my first girlfriend broke up with me. And all of those three things apply to Andrew in the bathroom. The bathroom to him is an inconvenience. Why must he pee and poop in the toilet when all it does is take him away from something more important like his Legos, Cars toys, and Fox News.

I pulled down Andrew's pants and waited for him to pee. But he suddenly turned around and started talking about the books in the magazine rack. I didn't want him to pee all over the floor, so I used my knee against his butt to get his stream back on track. As I moved my knee, it got caught in Andrew's butt crack. And just at that time, Andrew let loose a gigantic, juice fart.

Today was a bad day to wear shorts.

I won't go into much more detail except that my hairy knees are stained with tomato juice amongst other things, and the smell still won't go away. I'm not too sure what I said after the blast of gas, but it was weird enough that Emma peeked in the bathroom door to make sure everything was okay. When a four year old is checking up on you, you know you didn't have it all together.

For the record, I've been peed on, pooped on, and now, farted on. Who knew my previous job as a man-whore would've prepared me for parenthood. I really hope there is nothing more Andrew can share with me in the bathroom, but just in case, I ordered a month's worth of disposable body condoms and bleach on Amazon. I will explain my appearance to the kids by saying I'm practicing to be a rotting banana for Halloween.

Day 1453 - Doctor's Visit

2011-10-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

Just like me and showers, the kids had their yearly visit with our pediatrician. The kids seems to be growing and developing pretty well. Emma is around the 80th percentile for height and 60th for weight. The only thing we have to follow-up on with Emma is this little mole on the bottom of her foot. The pediatrician recommended that we have her see a dermatologist within the year to just get it checked out. I recommended a dab of yellow Liquid Paper, but the doctor did not see the humor in that.

As for Andrew, he is in the 30th percentile for height and 25th percentile for weight. He has always been a little shorter than Emma, but hopefully when puberty kicks in he will be able to defend himself from a 7'2" Emma. I also mentioned to our pediatrician that upon the suggestion of our preschool, Andrew was going to receive a speech assessment. The doctor asked Andrew several questions from a picture book and agreed that he has a slight articulation problem with certain sounds. She inquired if anyone in our family received speech therapy, and that was my cue to stuff my face with saltine crackers and spew out "Naaaaaht toooooo mah knahwedge!!!" The doctor did not see the humor in that either.

After getting a clean bill of health, it was time for a couple of shots. The doctor used her big doctor words explaining the different types of shots the kids needed. Big words like "ouchy", "pointy needle", and "stabbing pain". The doctor then turned back into the friendly pediatrician, told the kids what a great job they did, how they would get toys on the way out, but first, a nurse needs to see them. And out she went.

The kids were slightly confused why the nurse needed to come back in; this made me uncomfortable. The old switcharoo, good cop/bad cop, Charlie Sheen/Ashton Kutcher ploy was in play. I diverted their attention by reading them some books and pamphlets on vaccinations, but it only increased their uneasiness.

Eventually the nurse came in. The first thing she said was, "Who's fussier?"

It was like a pediatric Sophie's Choice. I pointed to Andrew, and she said, "He's first."

As soon as I lifted Andrew on top of the examination table, he saw the needles and crapped his pants. Literally. I had to change his pants.

"I don't want that! I want to go home!" screamed Andrew without even getting a shot.

The nurse was having a difficult time giving him the shot, so she asked me to hold him on my lap. I had to cross my legs over his legs, and then cross my arms over his arms. We looked like a Disney Channel version of the Human Centipede. Emma crept in to see what was going on. I told Emma to go read a book, but she was too fascinated with this human train wreck. As the nurse gave Andrew his two shots, each time the needle was put into his arms, Andrew screamed, and Emma's eyes widened -- she almost looked Caucasian.

Obviously after seeing Andrew's meltdown, Emma was none to happy to be next. Once again, I had to lock Emma into my lap. After much screaming and kicking, Emma's two shots were over. And I swear...after having both kids on my lap, it felt like my balls got shots too.

The nurse left, and I let the kids calm down in the room. After several long minutes, Andrew stepped back and looked at me with his angry eyes. He yelled, "I don't like this place. This is no good. I don't ever want to come back!" And like a little Victor Borge, he made a little sound and stomped his foot on the ground.

As we walked out of the doctor's office, there was a little cafe nearby so I bought the kids a juice box for the ride home. All I could think about on the walk to the car was how much things have changed over the past four years. For the first year or so, every time your kid received a shot, you felt pangs of guilt and remorse. You just wanted to hold them close to you and make them stop crying.

But a few more years pass, and my how things have changed. Guilt and remorse are replaced with exhaustion and frustration. And you don't want to hold them too close to you because you're afraid you'll end up doing what the Indian did to Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo's Nest.

My feeling is that this is the first year that planted the seeds in the kids that going to the doctor's office is not a fun experience. Coincidentally, those exact same seeds were planted in me too. But the bottom line is that the kids are healthy, and if you have to deal with a few tears and bruised testicles to keep the kids healthy, so be it. Next time, I'll just wear a cup.

Day 1451 - Conversations with Emma

2011-10-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

As I was putting Emma to bed one night, she mentioned to me that her vah-jay-jay area was a little itchy. So I told her that I would go get some diaper cream and put some on for her.

"Emma," I said. "Why don't you just pull your pants down a little bit."

"Okay, Daddy," said Emma.

I began to put a little cream around the irritated area, when Emma sprang a question on me.

"Daddy, do you know what you call this part?" she asked pointing to her own private Idaho area.

Stumped, I wasn't too sure how to answer. I was a little hesitant about calling it a vagina because I didn't want her to repeat it at school plus every time I say that word I tend to flop sweat.

"Umm, gee, Emma. That's a good question, but I'm not too sure." Fine, I wimped out.

"Oh! I know what you call it," exclaimed Emma.

"You do?" I began to imagine the phone calls from the preschool. "What do you call it?"

"It's my front bottom!" said Emma.

Day 1450 - A Tip for Waiters

2011-10-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

We were dining at a fancy restaurant called Johnny Rockets today. And to clarify, a fancy restaurant to us is any establishment where there is not a buffet line. The waiter was one of those struggling actors whose true bitterness is hidden behind the facade of a happy-go-lucky 1950s waiter. The kids were behaving great because they got crayons and a coloring activity menu. But then it happened. The waiter brought them balloons.

To me, there is nothing worse than giving four year old twins a balloon. So after we finished our lunch, Lisa and I decided to leave the balloons as we walked out. But then it happened again. The waiter followed us out the door with the balloons!

"Hey, Daddio!" said the method waiter. "Don't forget the balloons for the kiddos!"

I wanted to kick him in his water balloons. I shoo'd the waiter away, and thankfully the kids didn't see the balloons because were playing around on the 4th floor railing of the shopping mall. Thank god for vertically-inclined railings!

The waiter looked at me as if I was the worst parent of the year for not allowing his kids to bask in the glory of a balloon. I know all of you non-parents just see the smile on a kid's face when they're carrying around a balloon at the mall, a zoo, or the ICU ward of your local hospital. But let me tell you what would've happened if we took the balloons home...

For the rest of our day at the mall, we would've had Emma and Andrew running around with balloons entangling mannequins, display racks, and slow, elderly people. Somewhere along the way, one of the kids will have lost the balloon and watch it flying into the air. Cue the hysterical crying. Meanwhile, the other kid who still has the balloon eggs the other one on by saying, "I still have my balloon!"

To stop the hysterical crying in public after repeated consolations of "It's only a balloon. It's just going to fly into the air and kill a bird," one of us ends up scouring the mall for a kiosk that sells overpriced balloons. Cue more hysterical crying from the other child because they're pissed off that the new balloon is better. Watch Daddy mutter profanities while pulling out his wallet to buy another balloon.

When we return home, the kids continue to run around with their balloons entangling furniture, pendant lighting, and slow, elderly people (Crazy Gaga and Lazy Papa were in town). Momentarily, the kids forget about their balloons and play with their other toys like Del Taco collectible cups, Souplantation bowls, and Olive Garden plastic breadsticks.

But as the days progress, one balloon will lose its helium before the other. This will make the owner of this particular balloon livid, angry, and jealous. Observe this furious child try to take the other child's balloon away. Look at how the two children push, hit, and claw at each other. Notice how the child with the better balloon protects it from the angry beast. Amid the clutter, the child protecting the balloon is pushed over, falls on top of the balloon, and said balloon pops. So despite the lack of helium of the former balloon, this child takes joy that this balloon still exists.

What does the kid do about the popped balloon? Pop the other balloon of course. Now we have a house echoing the bloody cries of two pissed off kids. Mommy's and Daddy's foreheads show as many veins popping out as Madonna's left forearm. Not knowing what else to do to put everyone at ease, what does Daddy do? Take everyone back to Johnny Rockets for lunch and balloons.

And THAT'S why you NEVER give kids balloons in restaurants.

Day 1449 - Picture Friday

2011-09-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

"Daddy! I cleaned the downstair's bathroom!"

"Daddy! I cleaned the upstair's bathroom!"

Andrew soon realizes he would be better off blowing up the balloon with his butt.

Emma is not so thrilled with Disney's Princess fingertip dresses.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1448 - Play Ball!

2011-09-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

When I picked up the kids at school, I had an innocent conversation about Andrew with one of his teachers. But this talk slowly merged into awkwardville with me at the wheel.

First, the back story. It all started several weeks ago when Andrew began to get this nasty diaper rash right below his belly. We slathered it with Aquaphor and baby powder, but it wasn't getting better. It was only when we started to use Desitin that the rash began to heal. During this entire rashy time, Andrew would always stick his hands down his pants to scratch whatever he could scratch at.

So cut back to the present. As I was gathering the kids' lunch bags, one of Andrew's teachers told me that he wet his pants during nap so they put all of his wet clothes in a garbage bag for me to bring home (i.e. burn). The teacher mentioned in passing that Andrew has a bad diaper rash. And so begins the cue for Mr. Awkward Dad to appear.

"Oh yah," I agreed. "We've been putting on a lot of diaper cream lately, and I think it's getting better."

"And just so you know, Andrew has been sticking his hands in his pants a lot recently," continued the teacher.

"I'm sure it's very itchy down there," I replied.

"Well, I think it's more than just itching. He is just going through a phase where he's playing with himself," said the teacher matter-of-factly.

Sadly, if there is one thing that I am more awkward at than dancing, talking to the opposite sex, public bathrooms, and drinking hot, foamy lattes it is talking about anything related to sex. This teacher just opened up the Pandora Box of geeky gawkiness.

"Oh (uncomfortable laugh)! I'm sure that rash is just bothering him," I said averting my eyes.

"Don't worry about it," comforted the teacher. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"No no no (sweat)! I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about! I'll just put more ointment on it tonight. I mean his rash, not his pe...pee-pee." Wow. How did I ever get married?

"I just wanted to let you know, that's all." This teacher really had enough of me.

"Well, thanks for the info. I'm sure it's just the rash! He doesn't do this at home!" I called out to her.

I have no idea why I was trying to deny Andrew's scratching/wanking fascination because I know this is a very natural phase of any growing toddler. I also know that it's better to deal with this head on otherwise you'll end up having Andrew turn out like me -- such a scary thought that Lisa just hit me.

But as a parent, I guess as much as you want to know everything about your child, there are still certain things that you don't enjoy knowing. Andrew is only four so I can only imagine the awkwardness I will bring into the house during his teenage years. For the first few years of life, your kid is just an innocent baby full of potential. And as they slowly grow, your view of them changes; you see that they are human. Or for me, I understand that Andrew likes his penis.

Day 1446 - Conversations with Andrew

2011-09-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

Andrew was overactive tonight. After we kissed him good night and left the bedroom, Andrew began to run, jump, and construct several Ikea bookshelves while revealing his stash of Gerber Red Bull Jr cans.

I am trying very hard not to lose my patience and temper with the kids so I have relied a lot more on diversion and reverse-psychology. Tonight, I decided to try diversion.

"Andrew, you won't be able to go to sleep if you don't calm down. Do you want to try and play a game?" I asked.

Andrew's eyes lit up. "Game! Okay! I like games!"

"First, you have to lie down in bed," I said.

After gulping down the last bit from his Red Bull can, Andrew jumped into bed.

"Great!" Now here comes the double combo of diversion and reverse-psychology. "Here's how you play the game. You lie down in bed, and I'll lie down on the sofa. The first person to say anything loses the game. Do you understand?"

"I'm going to be the winner!" Andrew exclaimed.

"Here we go. One...two...three..." And then there was quiet in the room. I peeked up from the sofa, and I saw both Emma and Andrew lying still in bed. All I could think was, "I am such an amazing parent!"

Five seconds past.

Ten seconds past.

Fifteen seconds past.

Holy s#!t! This thing is really going to work.

And then at the twenty second mark, Andrew pops up from bed and screams, "POO-POO! I lose! HAHAHA!"

Day 1444 - U-rine Big Trouble!

2011-09-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I was in charge of getting Andrew ready for bed. Although he tends to be a little more obedient, he is a lot more squirmy and active. Trying to brush his teeth is like trying to thread a needle except the needle is being held by a meth addict about to OD.

After Andrew brushed his teeth, it was time to go to the potty. Whether or not he has to pee, we make him stand at the toilet for twenty seconds because those seconds usually determine if there will be a middle-of-the-night bed change.

Andrew pulled down his pants, but he forgot to lift up the toilet lid. So as I bent over to lift up the lid, a warm stream of fresh Andrew pee went all over my arms and hands. My reaction to this is best described by Emma who asked Lisa, "Why is Daddy screaming?"

Everyone was in the bathroom staring at me. Andrew continued to pee in the toilet. Emma was at the sink brushing her teeth. And Lisa was just laughing at me. I pushed Emma aside and began to lather up my hands and arms with soap. Emma asked me why I was washing my hands, and I just muttered to myself over and over again, "Because I have pee all over it. Because I have pee all over it."

I explained to Andrew that I wasn't mad at him; I was just disgusted by him. Andrew believed he was 100% innocent with this pee incident. Why, you ask? Because the way he saw it, he was wondering why I stuck my arm in the toilet when he was peeing. Can't say he's wrong about that, eh?

What struck me weird about my urine soaked arm is how I reacted to it. Over the course of four years, I have dealt with pee and poop in a variety of manners and forms. You would think that I would be numb and emotionless over any substance that oozes out of the kids' nether regions, but I guess this experience shows that I am full of emotion and girl-like screams.

More significantly, I think the way Andrew marked his territory on my forearm made me realize that I reacted to Andrew as a kid and not a baby. There's something oh-so cute about a helpless baby spraying urine and poop all over your body. You accept the fact that the baby doesn't know any better, so you clean up and move on.

But when a four year old sprays his human fire hose on your arm, you react to it differently. Even though it was an accident, you treat the older child as if he made a mistake and/or he needs to be more careful. There's no Kodak moment when a young child defecates on you.

So perhaps I should look at Andrew's urinepalooza as a bittersweet episode; definitely more bitter since it's pee we're talking about. He's growing and needs to be held somewhat accountable for his toilet errors. And as for myself, after taking a nice long shower, I have got to say that I should probably use shampoo and conditioner more often on my arms. I've never seen my arm hairs with so much body and sheen!

Day 1443 - Balloon Mania

2011-09-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

We bought the kids balloons for their birthday. I don't know why I even bother buying latex balloons anymore because the only ones that last are the Mylar balloons. What is it that is so magical about the long-lasting Mylar balloons? Some say it's the material, but I say it must be the magical unicorn breath that they use to inflate the balloons. Or at least that what Emma says.

If I knew how much the kids were going to enjoy their balloon, I would've just given them a $3.99 balloon for their birthday. It really is refreshing and nice to see young kids find enjoyment with simple things like balloons, boxes, and iPads.

For almost ten straight minutes, Andrew and Emma were chasing each other around the house with their balloons. We love seeing the kids laughing, smiling, and running around the house for the sole reason that they will fall asleep faster at bedtime. And if not that, strapping them to our treadmill for another 20 minutes usually does the trick. Just make sure you hydrate them afterwards...but not too much or else they'll piss their beds.

Here's a video of the kids chasing each other with their balloons:

Day 1442 - Picture Friday

2011-09-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

"I can't believe Disney modeled a princess doll after me!!!"

"You paid retail for this? You could've got this on Amazon for $10 less plus no tax!"

If you look into Andrew's eyes closely, you can see his sugar gauge pointing towards 110% capacity.

Emma apologizes to the ladybug cupcake for what she is soon going to do it.

Happy 4th Birthday!

Day 1441 - Puppet Master

2011-09-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

For the kids' birthday, we bought them some hand puppets based on the picture book The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Andrew got the caterpillar, Emma got the butterfly, and I got the pupa when the caterpillar is digesting itself inside-out.

I strung an old bed sheet between two chairs and told the kids to put on a puppet show. I remember as a kid, I used to put on puppet shows for my sister with an old bed sheet. Later in life, I just wanted to strangle my sister with the sheet. But for now, Emma and Andrew were going to cooperate nicely and recreate The Very Hungry Caterpillar story.

Oh wait. Did I say cooperate? Did I say nicely? What was I thinking? What was suppose to be a simple puppet show became an example of a totalitarian dictatorship! Emma tried to take charge of the puppet show, but when Andrew ignored her, you witnessed the meltdown of a burgeoning Emma empire.

Here's the video:

Day 1440 - Happy 4th Birthday

2011-09-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today, the kids turn four years old. I can hardly believe how fast time flies. It seemed like it was only yesterday when I was changing Andrew's diapers. Oh wait. That was yesterday. Never mind.

We already had a birthday party for the kids in Santa Clara and Sacramento. So today will be birthday celebration number three, and on Saturday, we are having a small party with friends. We did not decide to invite the entire preschool for a party because when we asked Emma and Andrew who they play with at school, they said each other. But we did tell their preschool that we would bring cupcakes for snack to celebrate Andrew's and Emma's birthday.

I thought cupcakes would be an easy enough snack, but I did not realize how much time it took to make four dozen cupcakes. And silly Lisa asked the kids what kind of cupcakes they wanted, so we had to make monkey and ladybug cupcakes. I suggested to the kids that we could decorate the cupcakes with lady monkeys, but their answer to that was kicking my shins.

To get some suggestions on how to make monkey and ladybug cupcakes, I did a quick Google image search; an innocent typo when I typed "lady cakes" made for an amusing diversion. There were a wide variety of images to choose from, and none of them seemed too difficult. So after several hours of baking and frosting, here is a picture of the finished product:

When we brought the cupcakes to school, all of the teachers thought they were very cute and complemented Lisa on the decoration. But Lisa had to correct the teachers and tell them that her metrosexual husband, in fact, decorated all of the cupcakes. Suddenly, all of the teachers looked at me in a different way. Probably because I was wearing a dress (What? It was hot!).

After preschool, the kids came home and opened up all of their gifts. The big hit with Andrew was his Disney Cars wooden road track that is compatible with all of his other wooden train tracks. And Emma really loved her Mulan and Kanga plush dolls. And as for Mommy and Daddy, we enjoyed opening all of their birthday cards and spending all of their birthday cash on our utility bills.

I made this photo collage of the kids from birth to their fourth birthday. It's pretty crazy to think four years has past. I really don't remember anything too specific from birth until their first birthday -- probably because of the alcohol. But after looking at their birthday pictures from the past years, I can hardly believe they are four.

So to all of you new parents out there, it is true. Your kids grow up really fast. In just four short years, our little, helpless babies have grown up to become talkative, demanding, and sarcastic children. In just four short years, I have not completed an entire book or video game. In just four short years, if you assume the average cost of raising a child is $22,000, we have spent $176,000. Wow. Suddenly, these last four years feel really, really long.

Happy birthday, Emma and Andrew!!!

Day 1439 - Who's the Boss?

2011-09-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Lisa attended a mandatory preschool meeting that went over the entire school year. I was unable to attend because I had a much more pressing issue to deal with at home: give the kids a bath.

When Lisa came home, she told me that she had a very interesting story to tell me. I couldn't wait! I couldn't wait to hear what type of oh-so interesting story she was going to tell me from a mandatory preschool meeting. Increased tuition? New potty seats? Oh boy oh boy!

It turns out the story was pretty interesting. Lisa was talking to one of the directors at the preschool, and she mentioned to Lisa that they were thinking of separating Andrew and Emma at school. Too much genius and good looks in one class? Far from it. The reason why was because Emma was bossing Andrew around too much!

I'm not too sure where Emma gets the bossiness from, but I'll get back to that in a few minutes. Lisa is screaming at me to mop the kitchen floor because Andrew spilled some milk.

(10 minutes pass)

Okay. I'm back. Like I said, I have no idea where Emma gets her bossiness from.

The director told us that Emma will do certain things with Andrew that concerns them. If they are walking through a door together, she will push him out of the way, walk through the door first, and say, "I win!" If they are waiting as a group to see a science project, she will push him out of the way and say, "I get to see it first!" Lots of pushing and winning.

What's interesting is that this is all behavior that we see at home too. But at home, Andrew is often the instigator and wants to beat Emma all of the time. The environment of the preschool must hold Andrew back a little bit because he certainly tries to hold his own at home.

The reason why the preschool decided not to separate the kids is because Andrew is starting to stand-up for himself now. I think it's a combination of two things: 1) He is more comfortable at school, and 2) he is more comfortable telling Emma to beat it.

I think it's pretty natural when you have two people together from birth that one of them will be more of a leader and the other more of a follower. But just as their personalities and interests go back and forth, I think their leadership and following roles will also change. Much akin to my leadership role in my relationship with Lisa, I tend to find that...oh wait...I'm going to have to cut this entry short because Lisa needs me to use the toe rasp to file off her calluses. More later!

Day 1437 - Weighty Issue

2011-09-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

As with most things in life, the older you get, the heavier you get. Some exceptions would be raisins, prunes, and anorexic dwarfs. Our scale at home isn't very accurate, but I think Emma is getting close to 40 pounds and Andrew is probably a few pounds behind her. Together, they weigh the number of pounds that Jennifer Hudson lost.

Look at that before and after picture. Jennifer Hudson basically crapped out Andrew and Emma! Holla!

I bring this weight factor up because it seems as if it is taking a toll on poor Lisa. For the past few weeks, her back and knees have been acting up. I think the last time that happened to her, we were on our honeymoon.

Lisa is wearing a knee brace to give her a little more support and made a doctor's appointment for this week. We have also started to take the stroller around more often so we don't have to carry around whiny kids. Beyond that, there's not too much else for her to do except not carry them as often.

I suppose it is a little sad when your kids get to an age where it becomes difficult to carry them. Or perhaps it could also be that it is sad when you get to an age where you can't carry them. For my own safety, I'm going to agree with the former.

Although I'm not in as much physical pain as Lisa, I also feel the creakiness of my aging body, yet supple facial features. Since I'm right handed, I always carry the kids with my left arm. So there are occasions when my shoulder and neck are out of whack. Sadly, I confuse the pain with angina and coronary failure at times of deep desperation for attention.

Although I'm not a doctor, I have a feeling Lisa is just going to have to take it easy. I doubt it is anything that would require surgery or medicinal pot. The kids and Lisa have just reached the point where the kids will have to walk more and Lisa will have to carry less. But the most important thing to take away from this is that I still have the massive strength to carry the kids in my arms. Take a good look at my guns! They can carry a huge Jennifer Hudson turd!

Day 1436 - Birthday Celebration Preview

2011-09-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

The kids are going to turn four next week, and the anticipation, excitement, and exhaustion is increasing by the day. I think this is the first year that the kids are truly looking forward to their birthday. Little do they know when they become Mommy and Daddy's age (especially Mommy's), it's not really anything to be too excited about. At our age, all we really want is a glass of hemlock juice and a comfy bed.

To demonstrate the kids' excitement, here is a peculiar song and dance they came up with while going out to dinner. I believe the song is the Ting Tings "Happy Birthday", and the dance is Elizabeth Berkley from Showgirls.

Day 1435 - Picture Friday

2011-09-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

Andrew only eats carrots vertically.

"Do these shoulder pads frame my face appropriately?"

The innocuous ladybug mask on Andrew's chest suddenly warrants a call to social services.

Crazy Gaga rolled that curler a little too tight.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1434 - Poopageddon!

2011-09-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

In the past, Andrew has had constipation problems because he did not want to poop at the preschool potty. We didn't really blame him for not wanting to use a public toilet, but we explained to him the worst-case scenario would be that he might catch E. coli or perhaps hepatitis A. Not the end of the world.

Thankfully, it seems as if this phase has passed (pun intended) and ended (another pun end-tended (pun intended within the parenthesis!) ). But we have another problem on our hands. No, not hepatitis A. Andrew has began to poop his pants again.

Andrew is totally fine peeing in the potty, but he could care less if he drops a corn log in his pants. I suppose it is more comfortable walking around with a chunky candy bar in your pants versus slogging around with urine pants, but if Andrew was smart like his Daddy he would kill two birds with one stone by peeing and pooping at the same time. A-ha!

I believe there was one day when he pooped in his pants four times. Pooping in your pants is worse enough, but four times? I don't even think an Oompa-Loompa had seen as many Hershey squirts as I did during that day.

Despite my increasing frustration and decreasing laundry detergent, I am trying to use positive reinforcement to encourage Andrew to use the potty. There have been times when my annoyance has shown through (probably when I was scrubbing soiled underwear in the sink), but I hope I have not used guilt or Pepto-Bismol to fix the problem (maybe once on the Pepto...).

My solution to Andrew's poop problem is the Poopy Prize Bag. Lisa found a handful of miscellaneous toys, and I dumped them into a gift bag. I told Andrew each time he poops in the potty, he gets to grab a prize from the Poopy Prize Bag. And not to be left out, I told Emma she would also get a prize each time Andrew poops in the potty. Imagine the sisterly love Andrew is receiving from Emma now. "Damn it, Andrew. Crap in the crapper so I can get a fu*$ing prize!"

It has only been a week since I started the Poopy Prize Bag, so it's a little early to tell how well it is working. There has not been a four-times-in-the-pants day; I'll take that as a positive sign. Also he has gone poop in the potty several times and happily asked for a prize. Hopefully by this time next month, Andrew will be a man around the porcelain crown, and the next time we need soiled pants changed will be on us in 45 years.

Day 1432 - Me Time!

2011-09-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

I finished up my television show last week, so starting this week I am on hiatus (i.e. unemployment). But what makes this hiatus different from all my other ones from the past four years is that (triumphant drum roll, please) I WILL HAVE TIME TO MYSELF! I can indulge in the me-ness of me -- although I really wouldn't recommend this to anyone else...I can become quite boring and pathetic during the second week of hiatus.

Lisa and I decided to keep the kids in preschool because we didn't want to lose their place. Plus if another television project arises for me, the kids will be in school so we wouldn't have to worry about babysitting. It is quite expensive to put both kids through preschool, but we can make ends meet between Lisa's teaching salary and my ebay/craigslist selling frenzy.

Although it has only been a few days of total me time, I find it relieving and strange. It is nice to have six hours to yourself every day, but there is something unsettling about a quiet house. I've been keeping busy the past two days cleaning, reorganizing, and starting my own personal projects. But when I sit down to eat lunch, it feels really surreal.

Before the kids, meal time used to be about Lisa and I catching up with each other and trying to look interested about each other's work stories. But with the kids, it's more like refereeing a boxing match. It's one exhausting thirty minute round of coddling, coercing, and cleaning.

So imagine how strange it is to sit down at your dining table by yourself with complete silence. I felt as lonely as Will Smith in I Am Legend or in a theater watching Will Smith in Wild, Wild West. I'm not complaining about having time to myself, it's just that...it's...so...strange.

Just these few days demonstrates two things to me. First, it goes to show you how your children whore in on every facet of your life. Once your kid comes out of that vagina, a giant neon sign that says "OPEN 24/7" starts flashing every single day until you die. You turn into a 7-11 of parenthood with hopefully less robberies, but just as tasty hot dogs.

The second thing it shows is how hard it will be to see your kids grow up and become their own person. And I don't mean "hard" in a negative connotation. It's just that whole "if you love somebody, set them free" thing. I've only known our kids for four years; half of that time they couldn't even talk and a quarter of that they were just human paperweights. But just in the last year or so, you begin to see their personality and strengths, and it becomes a really fascinating and endearing thing. Something you don't want to end.

But who the hell knows. Maybe the teenage years are going to be hell, and we'll gladly send them out the front door with a gigantic grin and the neon sign turned off. In the meantime, I'm going to try to make the most out of my me time. And by that, I mean I'm going to go and turn on my PS3 now. See ya in six hours!

Day 1430 - Caught with His Pull-Ups Down

2011-09-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

I don't want to say that Andrew has learned to lie, but rather he has learned to cover up the errors of his way. He knows when he has done something wrong. He knows when he fesses up to it, he will get either get punished or stoned. So he conveniently plays dumb and does not admit the truth. Regretfully for him, he does an awful job.

Here are two examples of his failed cover-ups. The first one involves dry erase marker pen all over the coffee table. Emma and Andrew have their own big ass dry erase marker activity book. While they were playing with it, Lisa turned around and noticed a large mark on the table.

"Scott!" she screamed. "Look at this! There's dry erase marker all over here!"

"Better dry erase marker than cocaine," I said trying to give some perspective to the situation.

"Andrew, did you do this?" questioned Lisa.

"No, Emma did!" accused Andrew.

Emma looked shocked when she was labeled the culprit. "I didn't do it! I didn't do that!"

Upon further investigation, Lisa took Emma's dry erase marker and noticed it was dried out; when she tested Andrew's marker, it worked just fine. In the immortal words of the late Johnny Cochran: If the pen don't fit, you must acquit!

I'll agree with you that Andrew's first lie wasn't too amateurish, but this second lie would make Pinocchio look like a pro. After dinner and fruit, the kids get a little dessert. It's usually one toddler cookie or two fruit gummies. This night, the kids got to take some fruit gummies. Lisa instructed them to only take two from their goodie bag. But when Lisa turned around (I think we are noticing that Lisa needs to pay more attention to the kids...), Emma accused Andrew of taking more than two gummies.

Lisa saw Andrew with two gummies on his plate, but caught a glimpse of a third gummy in his hand. Lisa decided to give Andrew a chance to turn himself in by asking him, "Andrew, what do you have in your hand?"

Andrew glanced at his fist and said, "Nothing..."

Lisa gave him one last chance, "Andrew. One more time. What do you have in your hand?"

Andrew stared at Lisa blankly and finally said, "A sandwich."

A SANDWICH? Come on, boy! You've got to think of something better than a sandwich! When I was young and got caught with a nudie magazine, at least I had the wit and sophistication to come up with Henry Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body!

When we catch our kids trying to hide something from us, we do try to use the word "truth" more than "lie" so we can emphasize to them how important it is to tell the truth to us. Covering up your tracks is just something we pick up through life because who really wants to get in trouble. But hopefully, Lisa and I can teach our kids that there is something honorable and worthy about the truth. Until they start telling us things in their teenage years that we really don't want to know about. Lying will be perfectly acceptable in eight to ten years.

Day 1429 - Conversations with Emma

2011-09-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

The one thing that Emma loves more than her dolls is taking the clothes off of her dolls. It really drives me crazy because you see freaky naked dolls strewn across the floor like some Spawn of Chucky horror flick. And you have little pieces of clothes and shoes all over the house like some swinging 1970s little people orgy.

Emma walked across the floor and yelped because she stepped on one of her doll's shoes. After an unnecessary amount of whining, she dropped the shoe back on the floor.

"Emma," I said. "Why did you drop the shoe back on the floor?"

"Because I don't need it," she answered.

"Maybe you should put the shoe back on your doll," I suggested.

"No. I don't want to," Emma stated.

"But I think your doll wants her shoe back on." I was really trying.

"Why?" countered Emma.

I thought about it and said, "I bet your doll's feet are very cold!" Good answer.

"Nooooooo," Emma said with her arms askew.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Her feet aren't real. She's just a doll, Daddy," explained Emma with condescension reminiscent of her Mommy.

Day 1428 - Picture Friday: Sacramento Edition

2011-09-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, Crazy Gaga & Lazy Papa's house does not have a front door.

Notice how subtle the shoulder pads make Andrew look like he has grown boobs on his neck.

Okay. Maybe Crazy Gaga is right that we haven't been feeding Emma enough.

"I don't want to sit next to someone who doesn't even know how to spell my name!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1427 - Am I Tired or Just Stupid

2011-09-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

When I returned home from our Northern California trip, I couldn't wait to go to sleep. Although I didn't want to take a shower, I figured it would be a wise idea not only because it was a hot drive home, but the bathroom I had to use during our rest stop smelled of spoiled urine, caked feces, and special sauce (it was a McDonald's bathroom).

When I stepped into the shower, the first thing I did was pour a handful of shampoo into my hands. But instead of lathering up my hair, I proceeded to scrub shampoo all over my face. It took me several seconds to realize I was washing my face with Herbal Essences Hydralicious Reconditioning Shampoo. I felt like an idiot, but at least my eyebrows have never been more full of body.

I don't know what it was about this last trip, but when I returned home I was exhausted. And this exhaustion translated to stupidity and forgetfulness. Or as Lisa corrected, MORE stupidity and MORE forgetfulness.

Usually I am pretty much on the ball, but the last few days I've fallen off the ball, lost the ball, and even crapped on the ball. Just the other day, I couldn't find my cell phone. I looked all around the house. I called my cell phone, and I didn't hear it ring. I looked inside my car, but it wasn't there either. Then I retraced my steps, and I remembered throwing out the trash. But why would I throw my cell phone in the trash. I'll tell you why. Because I'm a dumbass!

The kids were watching television upstairs, so I quickly ran to our dumpster. I called my cell phone, and I heard it ringing. Unfortunately for me, every resident of our townhouse complex must buy their garbage bags at Costco because every bag looked the same. Since my appendages are rather short, I couldn't reach the trash. I had to get a step stool and bend over the dumpster to search for my phone.

Soon the kids peeked from our garage door and shouted, "Daddy! Why you in the trash!" I told them I threw my phone into the trash. The kids asked why, and I told them it was an accident. This prompted Emma and Andrew to ridicule me with a chant of, "Daddy is silly!", "Daddy threw his phone in the garbage!", and "Daddy's phone smells like poo-poo!"

Some people may attribute my exhaustion to my age. I'm not getting any younger, and it's natural that as you age, your body just is not the way it used to be. I say bollocks to this theory. Especially since my body was never anything to boast about in the first place.

My theory is this: the kids. When we've made the Northern California trip with the kids in the past, they were just these little blobs that just slept, pooped, and ate. You could give them a potato peeler, and it would entertain them for hours. But now, things are totally different.

The kids are now these little blobs of unsustainable energy. Their minds are so much more active and inquisitive that the once entertaining potato peeler has been turned into a shiv to threaten us for age-appropriate entertainment and activities. Where ever we take them, they run around and our threats are a constant source of laughter for them.

Despite my lethargy and numbed mind, the thing that keeps you going, ironically, are the kids. They may make me wash my face with shampoo and throw my cell phone in the dumpster, but they are the coal to my steaming caboose. Although they may frustrate and anger us, their untainted view on life and constant laughter is more than enough to put up with a few days of stupidity. After all, stupid is as stupid does...when you have toddler twins.

Day 1425 - Quote of the Day

2011-09-06T12:41:00.000-07:00